Tuesday, March 25, 2008


Jason and I had a "closure" conversation yesterday. It had been my idea to sit down and talk for 30 minutes or so just to wrap things up and really leave it on a good note, rather than "I've moved on, never talk to me again but look back on this and think it ended well" that it had been left on. He didn't feel comfortable meeting face to face so I settled for over the phone.

It went okay. Nothing huge came out of it, but that wasn't the point. I'm still very hurt in general (just being out of the relationship, but especially that he moved on so fast) but I have been having a hard time understanding what I'm feeling about his role in this whole thing. Yes I am hurt because of things that he has done/not done, but I am not angry with him and I'm not okay with it. So then what? Today I was realizing that I'm just confused...maybe baffled...by him.

I honestly thought the best of him this whole time. In reality, that's why we stayed together so long - I put up with more than I ever thought I should/would because I thought "Even if he's not doing the right thing, he wants to do the right thing and maybe he just doesn't see what that is right now." I will never be sorry for wanting the best for his life and continuing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I will never regret caring for someone more than myself or investing my time and energy to help him - even though it's making this new relationship better than he would have ever tried to make ours. I do not regret giving this my all. I'm disappointed that I gave it to the wrong person/that he either missed what was being given to him or decided he didn't want it, but I know that we are better off not being together anyway.

Even through this breakup I've given Jason the benefit of the doubt. Thinking he would want to be friends or have a conversation that I knew would be hard - he's let me down quite a bit during all of this. Between not agreeing to talk to me in person and telling me he's been working every weekend and "might" miss the weigh-in (the next/last time we are "scheduled" to see each other) tells me that he will not be there whether or not he has to work - sure, he "might" be, but he has honestly given me no reason to believe he will show up. I am disappointed that he is not being the person I always knew he could be and baffled as to why he's okay with that.

But that's over. He's not my responsibility anymore. I'm my responsibility. I need to take control of what I can and do everything in my power to get better. One thing that has been very wrong in this is how much I've allowed it to take over my life. Understand me here - this was a big deal. It shook me to the core and that is appropriate. If it would not have, then that would have been an issue. But I have allowed it to affect my work, my sleep, my health, my friendships - everything. People have been phenominal to me and I couldn't have gotten to this moment without them, but the only way for me to stop feeling so hurt is to start to let it heal - stop picking the scab (sorry for that gross illustration).

Courtney and I were talking today and she told me that she heard a song that made her think of me and she played it for me and I really liked it. (not such a fan of the fact it's by Danity Kane, but still). The thing I like most about this song is that I do feel damaged by this whole thing, but that's okay. The point of the song is that the girl is moving on, and that she needs someone patient enough to work WITH her and see the value in something that's been damaged. Honestly, I remember Jason telling me about how broken he was after the breakup with the girl he dated before me and I hated her for it. Regardless of how he felt (pretty sure he hated her too) I hated her for doing such a terrible thing to anyone - let alone someone I saw such value in. I don't hate Jason and I don't want to, honestly. But if someone comes along and sees the value in my heart, I would hope they would be angry that someone mistreated it in the past but I love the idea of them fixing it. :)

"Damaged" by Danity Kane
Do you got a first aid kit handy?
Do you know how to patch up a wound?
Tell me,are you patient,understanding?
Cause I might need some time to clear the holes in my heart and I
I've tried every remedy
And nothing seems to work for me
Baby, this situation is driving me crazy
And I really wanna be your lady
But the one before you left me so
I thought I should let you know
That my heart is
Damaged, So Damaged
And you can blame the one before
So how you gonna fix it
You try to gain my trust
Talking is not enough
Actions speak louder than words
You gotta show me something
My heart is missing some pieces
I need this puzzle put together again
Tell me are you up for the challenge?

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