Friday, February 29, 2008

New Digs. ;)

So yesterday I picked up my car. Let me tell you...Maaco in Kent (Central Ave) is ridiculously wonderful.

After they told me that repairing the front of my car was going to be $500 more than expected, I was frustrated. My dad then pointed out that their estimate originally came in $450 less than I expected to pay, so realistically, I'm only paying $50 more to get everything done right, rather than just getting it done. AND I could afford this. The world was not ending.

I called yesterday to make sure my car would be ready and they said it was! Then they told me "Oh, and I should tell you, we felt really badly about giving you an inaccurate estimate so even though we agreed to not do the back after all, we did it free of charge. ($270 worth of repairs).

I was floored.

My car looks AMAZING. You'd better believe I am telling anyone and everyone that will listen about how great they were, and I'm emailing corporate to let them know about my great experience overall.

So I was in a FANTASTIC mood yesterday and thought that would be a good time to get myself situated for kickboxing. I've been wearing boys shoes that were too big (not sure why), boys workout pants and a plain boy's tshirt and lets just say, I felt like a blob.

So I went to Old Navy first and got some of their Women's Perfect Tees:

I was a little disappointed in their pant selection, so I headed over to Sports Authority where I got these pants 2 for $20. (not too shabby) THEN I went to Nordstrom. I had seen these shoes and thought they would be good for kickboxing since they have support and stuff, but aren't as sturdy as most workout shoes, and I tried them out (in white, though, not pink):

But I didn't really like them. I wanted more sturdy. So my wonderful salesman Mark started talking about what I use my shoes for and said that these shoes just came out and have gotten GREAT reviews, so I tried them:

Let me tell you - LOVE THEM. They are SO comfy!! It's funny how you don't realize how uncomfortable your shoes are until you try on a comfortable pair. Then he started telling me about how Asics made socks to go with the shoes with BUILT IN PADDING (what?) and so I gave in and bought them too.

All in all it was an expensive day (mostly just from the shoes...oh and the $950 on my car), but when I tried everything on together when I got home, I was stoked. Seriously. I have to start feeling more confident in myself and this is a FANTASTIC way to do that. So great. :)

I was telling my sister about my trip to Nordstrom and was telling her about these shoes that were rated #1 by Runners World, etc - she sticks out her foot. SISTER HAS THE SAME SHOE! :)

I heart my sister. :)

Thursday, February 28, 2008

100th Post (Marilyn Quote)

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let them go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they are right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."
- Marilyn Monroe
(Life's not getting easier, but this quote is helping me...)

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Day 4 (of 30)

So today is Day 4.
Day 3 was about a million times harder than Day 2.
This is supposed to be getting easier, I thought. Arg.
So I took my car in yesterday morning and picked up my rental car (with the help of my dad) and I was having a ROUGH morning - just thinking "He's really over this" - proof being Saturday with him saying in one breath how hard this all was and in the next that it needs to be like this.
I just don't get it.
I'm not understanding and that's the worst part about all this. I'm realizing that I'm still completely in denial - last week I was trying to be better, but the reality is that I still hope it's him every time my phone rings. I still hope at the end of these 30 days he'll want to try again. I still don't believe it's over.
I think I'm fooling myself.
I just love him so much. SO MUCH. I am struggling with imagining life without him and am not enjoying that I'm supposed to be preparing for that. I just don't see him in this - he's not this kind of person. I just don't get it.
So yeah...rough morning.
I was scheduled to go in for my LASIK evaluation (see if I'm a candidate) next week but need to go in sooner to change my Flex Spending to account for the cost. So I called. They asked if I was wearing my contacts yesterday. I said yes.
Evidently, you're not supposed to wear your contacts for 7 days leading up to the evaluation. That would have been nice for them to tell me.
So they were telling me they have openings sooner, but that they can't schedule me if I've been wearing my contacts. I begged and pleaded...they said they'd call me back.
Then the guy called from the shop where I left my car. Oh the estimate that was 1/2 of what I expected? They left stuff out. It was now going to be $500 more.
I cried.
A lot.
I called my dad and talked things through - then I started realizing that while it sucks to have everything go wrong all at once, at least it's not spread out? I don't know. Something needs to be positive in there.
Then the LASIK people called back. I can go in Friday and find out what type of surgery/how much it will be, but I might need to go in AGAIN after I have not worn contacts for 7 days so they can get accurate measurements (evidently that's affected by wearing contacts).
So that worked out.
So now I just need Jason to tell me he wants to get back together....oh wait... :(
This just sucks.

Monday, February 25, 2008

"For Such a Time As This"

"For Such a Time As This"
By Crystal Lewis
For such a time as this
Isn't it much to great a risk?
I've never flown from the edge of a cliff
Never walked on the water
But if I turned away
How would I know what I have missed
Have I waited all of my life
For such a time as this
Sometimes the thrill of soaring
Has to begin with the fear of falling

C& D / Car Stuff / Day 2 of 30

So my C's and D's are a I'm going C, D, C okay? :)

First C: Crying. Lots of it. Let's leave it at that.

First D: Dark Hair/Hair Dye - I got my hair done on Saturday - highlights and turned out a little darker and streakier than I would have wanted, but overall it's not all that different. Sad. Maybe next time I'll go for all over dirty blonde....

Second C: Getting my CAR fixed!! I rear-ended someone a long time ago (no real damage to their car, but their tow package went through my bumper) and have been saving to get my car fixed. Here's what it looks like now:

Dented hood and holey bumper:
I had planned to use my tax refund to get the hood and bumper I had painted and put on the car, and had a "golden number" in mind for how much I would be expecting to pay. The estimate was half that. No joke. (YAY!!!)

So then I had them take a look at the back of my car - in 2004 my car got hit in a mall parking lot and got some damage, then a few months ago, the door for the garage I park in closed on my car (!!!) and they won't fix it because the contract we sign to park there waives liability. Arg. So they looked at this (mostly paint scuffs, but some spider cracks):

So they added this onto the orignial quote and I'm still paying $250 LESS than I expected. YAY!! They are starting to paint the hood and bumper today, I take my car in tomorrow so they can put them on the car, finish painting, do the back and blend, pick it up Wednesday and then am getting a tune up on Thursday too. Since everything was so much less I get to have a rental car too. Yay. :)

Friday night Jason and I had been talking about the plan for taking my car and parts in to the shop and we were having fun just talking as friends. He kept commenting that I seemed to be doing really well - I felt like I was. Saturday morning we met up to get the parts and take them down (needed his brother's truck) and things went great. So of course I pushed it and wanted to hang out Saturday night too. That didn't go well at ALL. Ended up with me realizing I was no where near over him, still definitely have feelings, am still very very hurt - of course a bunch of tears and a tough conversation to figure all of this out.

I told him I needed to impose a 30-day no contact order. (I read about it in my book- they called it a "He-tox" to get him out of your system). That seemed like the worst idea ever even though I knew it was something we needed to do. It'd been 15 days of all of this and the longest we had gone without talking was just shy of 48 hours. So I called him and told him all of this and said something that surprised both him and me - that I hope nothing happens like what did with his grandpa, but even if it does, he needs to not contact me.

I cried. A lot.

Sundays suck. I wake up and everyone in my house is at church and I can't force myself to sleep as long as it will take for them to come back. So I was watching tv and feeling horrible and my friend Natalie called. She's been wanting to get signed up for kickboxing and was calling to find out when we could do her intro class - she came over and talked to me about everything until we left for that. She is doing really well - it's all confusing and you seem so uncoordinated at first, but she'll do great.

She doesn't get off work until 5:30 and can't get to the studio for the 6pm class, so she and I will be going to the 7pm class, which means we won't have to be there with Jason, Jenn and Clint, but that we will see them in passing. I'm kinda dreading that - kinda not. It will be good to have her with me and to not have it just be me and him or anything, but...I don't know.

I want to get back together with him so badly. Why does this have to hurt so much? Why is it so much more than I can control? I hate this. :(

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Not so hot

Yesterday I was doing so well.

I was just in a good state of mind, reminding myself that it's hard to get through, but the only way to get stronger is to push on.

Then he emailed me.

Then he IMed me.

Then he told me that his grandpa (who he is very close to) had a stroke and now has no mobility (this is his 2nd stroke). It surprised me that he was talking to me, but at least it was something legit and important not just chit chat. It was right at the end of the day, so we wrapped things up fast.

I bought a new journal yesterday and also the book It's Called a Break Up Because it's Broken- I started reading it before kickboxing and it's pretty good so far. Good reminder of how crazy some of the things everyone thinks sound to those that aren't in it. Also, it mentioned that whenever someone questions the relationship, it shows that there are probably cracks in the foundation of the relationship and unless their reaction is to get down in there and fix them before moving on (which is rarely the case), typically distance and time just let the cracks grow so reconcilliation becomes that much harder, or unstable. Arg. I hate it when people are right. :(

Earlier I had talked to Jenn about class - she mentioned that she wasn't sure if she was going but that Clint was and she was going to try to. Then once I talked to Jason he mentioned he wasn't. So I was alone. Again. The instructor asked me about them and I told her the truth (figured it would come out eventually and I'd like to be the one to have that convo) and she kept telling me to "take it out on the bag" - I think it's so funny that everyone says that, mostly cause the last thing I want to do is hit anything/anyone. I just want to cry. :(

I pulled myself together and the class was H.A.R.D. but I pushed through thinking "If it's hard, make it worth it being hard" - I can tell how much I'm getting better, but...geez.

After I left class I felt very alone. Usually driving home there's a little bit of a caravan back since Clint and Jenn live close by. There wasn't. I started thinking about how Jason had told me that if anything ever happened to this grandpa it would be really hard on him. I kept thinking about the fact that he told me - made me think that he just felt like he didn't have anyone to talk to, so he talked to me, then regretted doing that. I wanted him to know that I wanted to be here for him, but I just don't know how.

Then I had a war with myself...part of me thinking "He chose this. He chose to not have me to rely on, even though he obviously didn't know this would happen. He needs to respect his decision." but then the other part of me thinking "Since when do I hold things against friends that are obviously needing a friend?" I called Courtney and she reiterated that I don't need to be there for him right now but I wasn't having it. So I called him. (Can I just say that I hate the accountability of this - I hate having to admit that I called.Arg)

He was very glad that I called - said it meant a lot that I could get past the current situation and be there for him and I told him of course I would but that I just am not really sure how to do that. We talked more about the friendship thing...mostly about
  • would we date someone that was still close with their ex even if they were open and honest about it?
  • would we be walking into the fire knowing as of right now we'd be way too jealous to handle the other person dating other people?
  • Why should we lose our friendship that means a lot to us just cause it's hard.

We're not going to be stupid - we know we need space and stuff to be able to deal with the issue at hand, but it's getting more and more obvious that we would have been MUCH better just as friends. We ended things cordially and he mentioned he won't be at class on Friday but that he will be there again Monday, so now I know that and need to figure something out.

I just feel really...alone. I have so many great friends, but especially kickboxing - Jenn and Clint were going for weeks before we went (they only really planned to go M/F, but when Jason joined he said he wanted to go 3x/week so Clint agreed to go with on Wednesdays) but now it's like...everyone's abondoning it but me - the last person to decide to sign up. Just...hard.

I don't want to call him. I don't want to talk to him. It's not really hard today...just lonely. I'm starting to dread the weekend and have to keep telling myself that I'll make it through. So far the plan is Friday - kickbox then ??? movie maybe? Saturday - car stuff, then get my hair did (lowlights and a trim) then homework? Sunday - no idea.

Is it weird that I am hating weekends? I don't think that's weird knowing the reasoning, but I think it's weird to hate the weekends.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Random updates (2 parts currently)


Didn't call him last night, but felt weird not calling anyone on my drive home (have called him every day for the past 2.5 years...should feel odd...) so I called my dad. That helped, but I want to get to where I don't need to call anyone. Arg.

Took my Accounting midterm last night - felt really really good about it then checked my grade. I got a C. Out of 114 questions, I wrote a number wrong on my scratch paper and had to use that number in 5 other questions. Oh, and these were 9 point questions. So I dropped 20% of my grade for mis-writing. That is so irritating, I don't even know how to communicate it.

Didn't cry last night either. Did a lot of talking to myself, reminding myself that the harder I have to struggle, as long as I do the right thing, I will be stronger. I keep thinking of physical therapy type examples - like if you have been using crutches it hurts a LOT to start walking without them, but it's the only thing that will make you stronger. Have to keep telling myself that.

This morning was easier than yesterday, but still hard. I realized that while making breakfast, I thought a lot about him - have for awhile, just didn't realize it. That's what's been the hardest time for me lately. So today I tried to think about weight loss, accounting, business law, work, softball, friends....didn't really work to make me NOT think about him, but I think the effort helped my head a bit. I was struggling when I left home just wanting to call to talk to him and told myself "Just get to work and you'll be fine." and I made it.

I feel retarded giving myself props for not having contacted him in 24 hours, but I have to do that stuff to be able to make it.

I'm thinking about getting my hair trimmed and getting some lowlights put in. I know it's weird to make my hair darker, but I think I would like it. :) And if not, I can try to reverse it. ;)

10:52 AM

Just asked Jenn about kickboxing tonight. She might go, Clint is supposed to go - which...Jason will probably go. He's missed over a weeks' worth so I guess it's expected.

Saw these pictures I don't know about the last one (as to how I feel this moment) but the other two sum up yesterday/last night. (not so much today. Today is a decent day. Which worries me - does that mean tomorrow or the next day might be hard again?) :(

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


It's over. For good.

Since my last post Sunday morning/afternoon, I struggled so bad. The thing that is the hardest right now is actually doing what I know I should be doing. (not calling him. Which I've been bad at. I'll get to that.)

I actually talked to Courtney on Sunday night - let her know that he hadn't called to tell me his decision yet (he said he was aiming for the end of the weekend) and that as much as I wanted to reach out and tell him to take more time than that, the best way to communicate I was giving him time was to NOT contact him.

8:30pm - he called.

We chatted for a bit about what we'd done over the weekend. Then he started "'s why I'm calling..." I stopped him and said "please, if you need more time, I'd like you to take it." and he said he didn't need it.

He said no matter what he thought about - our great memories together and all that stuff, he couldn't shake this feeling of failure off our relationship. It's like we're doomed. He said as much as he wanted to give it another shot, he just had a bad taste in his mouth about the whole thing. He couldn't agree to be in the relationship thinking it would fail, and he would never want me to put up with that.

I knew there was nothing I could say. I told him how much I love him and how much I wish his decision was different but that I appreciate him being honest with himself and thinking about what's best for us. I told him that it was hard to let him make this decision for me - that feeling the opposite was bad enough, but knowing this is the result makes a hard situation worse.

It was a horrible, horrible experience.

I hung up the phone and went out to my dad in the living room and just sobbed harder than I think I ever have. How can I love someone so much that I want to try anything and everything to make it work, yet they love me so much they can't be with me? How can 2.5 years just mean nothing? How come I gave him so many chances to improve - some of which he took, others he didn't - and yet I get none?

Needless to say, I didn't go to work yesterday.

I drove to work to get my computer so I could do some stuff, then started talking to Jenn about the whole thing. She gave me a good perspective on some things - the fact that Jason does have a lot he wants to work on and that it might seem overwhelming to feel like a girlfriend is another thing on his plate (how he may view it) when I'm just wanting to help him. I realized that Jason may not be ready for the kind of relationship I always dreamed about, but at the same time, I don't want a different relationship - I want him!

Jason called later - I had a box in his storage unit that we had forgotten about and he wanted to bring it over. We sat in his truck and talked, mostly me telling him I wish he felt like there was someone he could talk to about all of this. I asked him if he had been feeling this way for a long time or if this just pushed him over the edge and he said it was more just the last straw. That it did push him over the edge and he couldn't see himself going back for another round like he had before. He mentioned that when we fought I went from this wonderful, sweet girl to this monster that just screamed at him and that he couldn't date me wondering when that would happen again. (ouch)

I teased him saying that he would regret this and to make sure he tells me when he does, but that I miss him. It's hard to imagine not having him as my best friend. I even gave suggestions on things to say to Clint to make it easier to talk to him (ask for support, not advice right now). We hugged, laughed about how much easier it is to hug with our weight loss, and he left.

I wasn't sure if I would see him at kickboxing but he was still planning to help me take my parts and car in for the body work estimate this weekend. So it was a week of unknown. I felt like I was in an okay place at that moment, so I started putting pictures and various memoribilia in a box and put the box away. (not out of reach, but not in plain site. I know myself too well)

I struggled more yesterday afternoon - just feeling like there was nothing I could do to make myself feel better, nothing to make the pain go away and nothing to fix the problem. I went to kickboxing not knowing if he would be there - he wasn't, but Jenn and Clint were. In a weird way it was good to have them there cause I still had that feeling of "prove yourself" even though it wasn't to Jason.

Afterwards I just missed him. I broke my own rule and called him. Yet again. This is seriously getting old.

We talked about how everyone we know that breaks up tries to stay friends and they all say "but it's different with us - we can make it work!!" and it never does. But it does feel different with us. We miss hearing each others comments and feedback...but we have to give it more time than this. We'll never get past things if we're still holding on. I asked how talking to Clint went -he said better. I told him that my parents are trying everything in their power to get me to not let Jason help me with my car stuff and that part of me wants to listen to them knowing it's a good word of advice, but the other part of me needs to know that Jason's willing to help. He thanked me for telling him about it, offered another option (just bringing the parts to my parents house for me, that way Clint doesn't have to deal with my parents since the parts are at Clint's house right now), but said that he will plan to help me unless he hears otherwise.

I apologized for calling. Told him it was hard. He understands.

I went to sleep and slept horribly. I called in "late" to work. (why my boss is so understanding I may never know, but I am so grateful)

I'm realizing mornings are the hardest. I just feel like my emotions overwhelm me and that the day seems like too much to bear. I sinned.I text him.

Me: Are you sure about this? You can say no – no would be a really good answer.
Jason: What is this for?
Me: It is all so hard – that has to be worth something. What about anger management? Then I could be your sweet girl again.
Jason: I agree that it’s hard but it’s what needs to happen.
Me: I just want to be with you. This all just feels wrong.
Jason: I know………I’m sorry.
Me: If you know then why can’t we? It isn’t too late and it sure as hell isn’t too little.
Jason: because I have this issue and I know that I couldn’t give all that I could because of this feeling
Me: Can’t we try to work with the feeling and take things slow? I respect that you’re feeling that way but does it have to mean it is all over? The feeling might change if we change other things.
Jason: we can’t do that.
Me: I can’t explain how different I wish it could be. I don’t like the idea of life without you.
Jason: I know – it’s going to be hard and it’s hard for me too.
Me: Then fix it!! ;)
Jason: LOL

The problem with that "conversation" is that he didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, I didn't tell him anything new (other than anger management...don't think I ever suggested that for myself before) and I just proved, once again, that I'm not giving him time and space and not getting OVER it.

Today was hard to not call AND I DIDN'T CALL HIM. (day's not over, but I don't plan on doing it). I need to stop and get a journal for myself. Doesn't help that I have a midterm for accounting due tonight. I'm making notes to myself of the times I want to and ...not calling. I know I have to do that for myself to be able to get through this, but it's definitely easier said than done.

"It's called a breakup because it's broken."

Sunday, February 17, 2008

B/U Status: Part 3

This is one huge roller coaster and today has been a horribly down day.

Thursday night alone was a roller coaster.

I was so glad to see Jason. He brought me a 3 rose bouquet and mentioned he would have brought a bigger one but he didn't think that was appropriate. (why'd he have to say that?) We started the drive and were chit chatting - briefly touching on breakup related things (who we've been talking to, what they say about the whole thing) and then changing the subject.

He took me to Teatro Zin Zanni. He had bought the tickets long before the breakup was on the horizon. He loved me that much that he bought expensive tickets to a dinner where he had no idea what to expect.

We got there (got lost but I was okay with that) and sat down and started to take everything in - there's SO much to take in. It was really hard to know what we could and couldn't do - hand on knee, scratching his back, etc but we made it work. The show was really good and I had been doing really well not thinking about how incredibly badly I wish this whole ordeal was over and we were back together as a couple again.

And then the people next to us got engaged. Seriously. (I feel I should let people hire me for this - the last 4 jobs I've had, people get engaged right after I start. The last 2 nice dinners, the people next to me get engaged.) The mood changed a little after that for both of us.

Then they sang the song "I can't live if living is without you." Luckily Jason had his back turned to better see the performance and didn't see my tears...

I tried to remember how earlier in the week/that day I had told myself "You love him so much you need to overcome your concerns and questions and let him remember what it's like to be around you and not feel pressured to make a decision." I tried to paint on a happy face and i think it worked, but I may not ever know.

Afterwards he kept saying how much fun he had and how glad he was that we had gone to dinner even under the circumstances and how glad he was that he got to see this with me. We went and sat in his truck in the parking lot and exchanged gifts - he was overwhelmed with what I got him (tools) and he totally spoiled me getting me a gift card to get the brown Danskos I want.

We sat there for a minute. "This is hard" we both said. He started to drive away then stopped and asked if we should talk about this. I reminded him that we had said we wouldn't do that on Valentine's night and that it'd probably be best to just take me home.

So he did. The drive home was pleasant and my heart ached even more.

Once we got to my house he came around and opened my door then told me that this was an amazing night and that it was so hard to not say that we should get back together. I told him I agreed and we talked for awhile. From my understanding, the conclusion of the night was that we were both thinking the same thing and he just needed a day or two to sort through a few more things and then we'd be fine.

We had talked about something else (car stuff for me) and he told me to call when I got my tax refund money. It came the next day. So I text him and said he could call whenever was good. He called when he got off work at 3:30 and we talked - light conversation and talked about our plans for the weekend. Neither of us mentioned anything about Sunday so I threw out that if he wanted to talk or hang out to let me know. He seemed surprised I would offer that and said he'd think about it and then we wrapped things up.

I was so confused! What happpened to us being fine? Where was that? After I got off work I kept debating calling him - I wanted to let him make the next move but I felt so confused that I just called him and asked him what was going on - help me understand.

He told me that on his way home from Valentine's Dinner he was thinking about how great things had gone and how much he missed me and how much better that felt. Then he realized we were both on our best behavior and thought of how much he questioned if us wanting to try again would just be too little too late.

(cue broken heart)

I tried to ask questions to understand how he can go from so convincing of his feelings to the complete opposite in less than an hour. I tried to tell him I wanted to help him become happy and achieve his dreams and ...I talked too much.

I kept sobbing. I felt like I was losing everything and I had to fight. I think I screwed up.

All he had done on both Thursday night and Friday afternoon was tell me thoughts - not decisions. Both I took to the extreme. Both I took as "that's all he's thinking." Both times I didn't give him the space or the time he was looking for.

Why do I keep screwing up like this?

Friday night was rough - luckily Asia was able to talk to me / listen to me cry. It made a huge difference.

Saturday morning I woke up and went to kickboxing - I was worn out, had never gone in the morning and that instructor was tough. I started crying.

My dad called and I yelled at him. I started crying again. I talked to my sister and kept crying.

Asia and I were supposed to hang out - we did. I stopped crying.

After I left Asia I didn't know what to do with myself so I called Courtney. She invited me over so we hung out and she continued to talk some sense into me. But no matter what people say or remind me of - bottom line, I still miss Jason more than I ever realized I would and my initial reaction is to fight.

We ended up going to play Bingo. :) I actually talked to Jason's little brother Kevin who said his family missed me but that Jason has seemed to be fine this whole time ("surprisingly" Kevin said). Jason had stayed home while his family went out - I hope he got some time to think. I heard that though and just wanted to be with him and make sure he's okay.

Less than an hour later I ran into Matt and Nicole, Jason's brother and sister in law. Arg.

I went to bed last night feeling okay. Struggling, but overall okay. I wanted Jason to have the time he wanted. I even thought to myself that even though he mentioned on Friday that he wanted to have a decision for me by the end of the weekend to make sure when he called to offer that and talk, ask him if he'd had enough time. That would be ridiculously hard, but I still think that'd be the right thing to do.

I woke up earlier than I expected this morning and had a slap in the face realization that I not only don't know what is going to happen with this whole thing, I don't know when I will see him again, and that there is nothing I can do to help those things. I started bawling.

I called Courtney to try and remember how yesterday had been such an easy day for me - basically cause I was sick of crying and it was nice to be around people - and she gave me some words of encouragement, but it doesn't change the fact that I just want to call him. I just want to talk to him and hold him and know that we'll be fine. I want him to feel happy and know that I have contributed to him feeling that way - I want me to be happy and have him know that he contributed to that too. I am tired of us hurting and want these two people that love each other so much to be able to make it.

I want all these things and feel I can't make them happen. I feel like I'm losing him. My heart is just breaking.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

B/U Status: Part 2

Things have been going pretty well since my last post. It’s still ridiculously hard to know that things are the way they are, but I’m trying to focus on understanding myself, setting goals, staying busy, etc.

Since I missed kickboxing on Monday, I went Tuesday after work. I spent Tuesday night talking to my mom for a long time where she recommended I read the book “His Needs, Her Needs” – granted it’s a book for married couples, but she said that the fundamentals it talks about are good for any couple. She made a point to tell me not to read the book then force Jason to read it or lecture him, but just read and learn. It’s been good so far. I might post later about what I’ve learned, but I’m only through the first 3 points now and it is teaching me a lot.

It’s hard to know if reading this book and learning all this stuff will just make things harder if we don’t work everything out, but I am glad to take this time to reflect on things I did right and wrong while it’s all on my mind.

Yesterday I prepared myself mentally to see Jason at our kickboxing class. I was okay with it knowing that it would be easier to not think about things when I’m exhausting myself. Towards the middle of the day he text me asking me a question about going out to dinner today and I asked if I would see him at the class. He said no. (work conflict that happens monthly). That was a weird feeling.

I went again by myself last night and it was an amazing workout. I’m concentrating on pushing myself as hard as I can, but trying to remember technique and stuff like that. It was really good. Our instructor asked where everyone else was (normal classes have 8-12 students. Last night there were 3. Including me.) and I had anticipated that question but responded a lot more calmly and collected than I had anticipated. I was proud.

Tonight we are going to dinner. I am leaving work between 2:30-3pm because he is picking me up at 5pm and well…I wanted to leave early today. I am having a VERY hard time coming to grips with the fact I will not be getting flowers sent to my work. That was the one thing Jason always did well – make me feel special around other people (it was the one-on-one time that we needed to work on) and it’s hard to know it won’t happen today. We will be exchanging gifts tonight (we’d already bought them – that was the text message he sent yesterday) but I don’t know what to expect.

I feel like I’m hanging by a thread, but while I’m hanging I’m realizing how strong I am. Weird.

PS. Yesterday I submitted an application to get a tattoo at LA Ink of the tree. We’ll see what happens.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

B/U status: Part 1

So…I screwed up. Kinda big.

Last night I knew I would see Jason in passing at kickboxing. We had sorta planned on that happening. I really didn’t want to get into anything right then and there and was trying to decide in my head if I wanted to put on a happy face and try and convince myself (and him) that I was doing fine or if it was okay to be honest. But honesty would probably lead into a difficult conversation, right?

So I started out good. We were just chatting – “new shorts work okay? Oh new shoes too”, etc. Just talking about whatever. Then he asked how I have been doing. I said “well…you know.” And he’s like “yeah, I know. It’s hard.” Then he gave me a hug and started to leave. And I started to cry. And I stopped him from leaving. And I kept crying saying “I hate this” and more that I don’t really remember right now.

We stood outside the kickboxing studio for 40 minutes talking (so I missed the class – arg) and it was the exact opposite of what I wanted. I backed him into a corner, he tried to offer up his thoughts, but I hadn’t/haven’t given him time to really figure out what those are, so things came out wrong and incomplete.

Bottom line of my train of thought for the last few days: I feel like I have blamed him for everything wrong with our relationship. When we’ve argued before it’s always been “okay, you fix ______ (whatever we’re arguing about – just don’t let it happen again type thing) and I’ll work on not yelling when I’m mad at you.” And – shocker – it’s not always his fault. I’m realizing that in life in general I’ve been really self-centered and arrogant and I don’t like that about myself. I complain about being tense and stressed all the time – it’s me causing it! So I told him that. I told him I wanted to work on looking at things differently. Instead of feeling like “I need this, I need that – why aren’t you giving it to me” start thinking about what he does give me and what I can give him in return. If I’m feeling like he’s not paying attention to me, stop looking at it as “how do I get him to pay attention” and start looking at it like “Maybe he needs guy time/space/think about himself right now – how do I get him happy right now?”

While these are all great thoughts, we just broke up/started the break on Saturday. We talked Saturday night. We talked Sunday morning. We talked Monday night. It’s been 2.5 days and I haven’t given him time to think. And that’s all he asked for – time and space.

Because he felt like I was bombarding him with all these “good intentions” I have – he tensed up. He started getting defensive saying he wasn’t even sure I was what he wanted and stuff like that. I think he saw the look in my eye when he said that and something in HIS eyes softened – I knew he didn’t mean that and in that moment I realized I was going about things utterly and completely wrong. At that second I think he saw me get uncomfortable and he just hugged me really big – I started to say “I’m really sorry” and he stopped me and said “No…just enjoy it for a minute.” And then we left.

We left on such an awkward note and we had both said “we’ll talk later” so I called him. (I know!!! I said I wouldn’t but just wait…it was a good thing…sorta)
“Let me just say 2 things:
1) I am so sorry that all of that just happened. You asked for time and space and I didn’t give you that.
2) I want you to feel like you get to figure things out. I want you to feel like if we do get back together, it was your choice – not because I talked a convincing game.”

Then we started really talking. He told me that the conversation we had earlier that night outside the studio made him want to run away. He feels like he’s continuing to have bad relationships and he doesn’t want that. He remembers how happy he was when we started dating – carefree, ridiculously positive about EVERYTHING and just content with life – and he wants that back. He doesn’t want to lose me in the meantime, but he has to be happy, even if it costs him a relationship he cares so much about.

I asked him if he really thought deep inside that it was me – afterall, I’d already told him I didn’t like how negative I am all the time and that I want to work on being a more positive person. Had I killed his spirit? – or could it be a combination of things – adjusting into a new job with a boss he hated, having to move back home, money being tight, realizing he couldn’t afford to live the life he really wanted to be living, etc. Or was it me? He said he didn’t know and that’s what he’s wanting to figure out in this time.

He told me that he doesn’t feel like he can focus on himself and figure out what went wrong with him (let alone how to fix it) until he starts to get over me, and he doesn’t want to get over me right now. He wants things to just be happy again and believe that we can fix what we’ve been doing wrong. But we can’t fool ourselves into thinking things will be perfect, and we both know that (we’d established that already) so he needs to make sure he’s at the right place before he can agree to get back together so that he knows deep inside he can get over the hurdles that may come up in the future.

I explained to him that all I want to do when I feel him stepping back or wanting space is to squeeze tighter, fight harder and argue more. I said that I’ve never understood running away from things because then the problem is still there, and now you’ve wasted time running and now you have to spend more time getting back to where you were before. To me it’s not logical, but that’s because I don’t like to feel alone when I’m struggling. To me it seems like it’d be way easier for us to try and help each other be more positive and that to realize the good things in our lives we don’t have to lose the thing that’s my favorite. But that’s me. And I’m not telling him to convince him my way is better – more just communicating the things I’m having a hard time understanding and my train of thought.

Evidently, that’s what he needed to hear – I’m not trying to convince him, I’m just trying to understand.

We talked about kickboxing – he said he didn’t want me to have to go by myself (it’s SO hard – seriously) and that since it takes a lot of concentration, I might as well go the same time as everyone so we don’t end up talking forever again. We talked about Valentine’s Day – that the reason he agreed it was a good idea was that we would get to see each other like we remember the good times – no strings, no deep conversations about our future – nothing. Simple, or not at all. I told him as much as I may want to pick his brain and figure out what he’s thinking, I want to be with him more. I want to prove to myself I can put my needs aside and give him what he’s asking for – time and space. I know it will be ridiculously hard and realistically it might really make things worse for me, but I need to try.

The last thing I asked was that in the bottom of his heart, deep down inside, was he thinking this would take weeks or months to figure out? I specified that I’m not asking for a date and it’s not “But you said you wanted 10 days!” more just a frame of reference for me. He told me that he wants to wait at least a week and maybe more, but that he wants to be able to talk like we were on the phone – speaking our piece, not necessarily coming to a grand conclusion, but just listening to each other. And I agree.

After I got off the phone I felt a weird peace about the whole thing. It’s as if it clicked in my head that I wanted to prove to myself that I would give him space –not just prove it to him. That I love this guy enough to let him think, at least! That it’s not always butterflies and roses and that since day one he’s waited longer for our first kiss, for me to meet his friends, to say I love you – everything! Because he wants to be 100% there before he does something. And I have to respect that. I do respect that.

I slept better last night than I have since Saturday. I didn’t cry myself to sleep and I didn’t cry on my way to work. I don’t really feel like crying right now, but I know I probably will soon. I miss him – my heart aches to know that he doesn’t like the person that I’m in love with, but I have to let him try and be better.

It’s frustrating that I feel I screwed up my first option to show him it wasn’t about winning or losing – it was about being with him, but I feel like we made more progress than I anticipated.

Definitely not talking about things again soon. I hope…

Sunday, February 10, 2008


Sad news...Jason and I broke up.

We've been having some really hard times these past few months and it's taken a lot for us to keep going and this's just over.

This has been the absolute hardest 2 days of my life. I don't know what to do, say, think, anything - I'm just not sure how to cope. I've actually called him twice to talk about just feeling stuck, but I know I can't do that anymore - we just need to give each other time to think about things.

It's actually kind of an abnormal breakup - we're not really sure right now if it's a break or a breakup, but we both agree that whatever it is, it's not going to be fixed any time in the next week or few weeks so ...time will tell. Also, we talked a lot yesterday (in person) just about what to do, where to go - everything. He talked about how he had already paid for what we were supposed to do on Valentines Day and we came to the conclusion we deserve a Valentine's consolation prize - so we're still gonna go. It's a little strange, but I think we need the next four days to be apart and then know we'll be able to see each other. We determined that we won't get back together on Thursday - we need more time than that, but I think it will make a world of difference for me to see him.

This has been so incredibly hard. I've cried more in the past 24 hours than I ever thought possible and I sincerely hope there will be a happy ending to all of this. It's just ridiculously hard. And I owe it to myself to figure out what will be best for me (no matter how easy it is to think HE'S what's best.)

So anyway. That's what has been going on. Sad. :(

Friday, February 08, 2008

Proof I'm not the world's biggest drama queen (and some deep thoughts)

So...I posted earlier this week about my lame Business Law class. I logged onto our site yesterday and saw this:

"I spoke with (Business Department Chair) this morning and he told me that his hands are tied. Apparently there are privacy laws that prevent the head of the instructors permission to access their instructors courses. (He) apparently cannot view this course, despite his position, unless he is given permission by (Instructor) or unless she is fired. I have asked (Instructor) to grant (him) access to this online course by the end of the day and if she fails to comply, I will have no choice but to file a lawsuit against her and the school for my emotional distress. I am hoping that I do not have to resort to that but I will get my lawyers involved if these ongoing issues are not resolved (or on the way to being resolved) by the end of the day. Also, (he) informed me that he cannot accept any of our evidence, that he has to find his own evidence in order to resolve this issue, and he cannot collect evidence unless the prof. grants him permission, and as of now, she has not granted him permission (he asked for permission and she has not responded which is considered no permission)."

While I 100% agree that this whole thing is annoying and a waste of both time and money, LAWYERS?
See..I'm not the world's biggest drama queen! :)


So I've had a song stuck in my head all day today and it's one from about 6 years's a Christian song.

I found it online and it still gives me chills: CLICK HERE and preview Track 2: Dance With Me.

(Warning: This is about to get deep)
After I started listening to this song, I got so...I don't know...overwhelmed?
This song strikes a chord with me for a lot of reasons
(and not just because his voice is pretty amazing).
I was raised in church and that was all I knew, all I did and all I talked about for about 17 years. friend Tyler shook things up by questioning things.
Then I started questioning things.
Then I didn't want any part of things related to church cause I was afraid I was doing it because that was all I knew and it wasn't how I really felt.
But I didn't know how I really felt.
So when I went to college, I signed up for the party dorms.
I got put into the substance-free dorms full of Christians.
So I went along with it and was back with church stuff.
Then I did my internship (more church stuff).
Then I felt like a huge faker.
Around 2004 I realized I didn't know what I actually thought, but what I knew was screwing up what I could salvage from my thoughts.
For example:
Christianity focuses everything on having a relationship with God for the sole reason of spending eternity with Him. Well, when you have a hard time grasping the concept of heaven and hell, that kinda shoots that idea. What I had learned growing up proved to me that you have to believe in those things for Christianity to make sense (why would Jesus come, let alone die, if we didn't need to be saved from something/someone?) so now I'm just...confused.

I felt like I knew the religion, just not the relationship.
I tried to just not think about it, but growing up in the church taught me that was bad too.
So now I don't know what to think.
But I hear songs like "Dance With Me" and I feel like identify with that, but I don't know if it's because that's how I lived for the majority of my life so far or if it's because that's how I really feel.
I don't know.
But in the meantime I really like that song.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

B Picture Posts (and some randoms)

Well, it's time for the 2nd round of pictures: Week B!!

First we have Business Law, the other class I'm taking right now:
This is a fun blogging topic because this is the class from hell. (And I don't say that lightly)

Our professor is spending about 25 minutes per week in this class. She doesn't respond to emails, posts, anything, and is by far the most confusing professor I've ever had. One week she'll say one thing, the next week it's totally different, and she talks down to us (on the rare occassion she acknowledges/replies to an email or post) for not reading her mind. I've been in steady communication with the Business Department Chair at BCC regarding this and hope (sincerely!) that something is happening to fix all this.

To top off the frustration, our midterm was posted last week and we were told we had through Saturday to complete it. Friday she posted an announcement saying that we needed to take the test before Midnight on Saturday. At 3pm on Saturday I couldn't take the test and neither could seven of my 15 classmates. We have yet to hear back from her about why the test was taken down early and what we can do about it.

So that's been...interesting.

Next B picture:

BOXING! (don't make fun, I wanted a pic of me wearing my new gloves before I posted this)
Last night Jason and I joined the Kickboxing Gym that Jenn and Clint have been going to. ( It's ridiculously far (okay, 20-25 minutes away) but I loved it!!

At first I was hesitant to join because it costs a lot and I already pay for my gym membership, but Jason and I decided it would be a good way to spend time together and get fit, so we tried it. (Usually it is $75/month for unlimited classes (they have at least 3 per day), plus the cost of gloves and wrist wraps which are around $55. We were grandfathered in under Jenn and Clint's promotional membership that was $50 for the first month and free gloves and wraps - great deal, but still a lot!)

I loved how it wasn't a tae-bo hybrid class, we were actually kicking and punching bags, and that they actually taught you technique, stance, form, etc before the class started. It was HARD to keep up with but felt amazing to get cardio, resistance training, strength training and endurance work all in one.

Other random things:

I weighed in again this week and...

I'm still not winning the contest, (Clint's in 1st, Jason's in 2nd, another girl I don't know is in 3rd (we think) and I'm in 4th) but it's so nice to know that I'm actually losing weight! And after our kickboxing class last night, I think that might kick my butt into gear for another jump start. :) My whole goal for the contest was about 30 pounds, so to be halfway done only a month in is VERY encouraging - I'm excited to see what I can actually lose!

Hmm..what else...yesterday I was getting dressed for work and I couldn't find my Danskos (I seriously wear them almost every day. I get sad when I wear a brown outfit cause my Danskos are black, so I can't wear them.) and I realized that I had done the unthinkable - I had left them at Jason's house! :( I was SO sad, but since we were kickboxing last night, Jason could bring them out to me. (Thank God) I was seriously considering driving all the way out there and back to get them... :)

Oh, and I asked Jason for a brown pair for Valentine's day. ;)

I think that's it! Happy Feb 5th!