Damaged

Jason and I had a "closure" conversation yesterday. It had been my idea to sit down and talk for 30 minutes or so just to wrap things up and really leave it on a good note, rather than "I've moved on, never talk to me again but look back on this and think it ended well" that it had been left on. He didn't feel comfortable meeting face to face so I settled for over the phone.

It went okay. Nothing huge came out of it, but that wasn't the point. I'm still very hurt in general (just being out of the relationship, but especially that he moved on so fast) but I have been having a hard time understanding what I'm feeling about his role in this whole thing. Yes I am hurt because of things that he has done/not done, but I am not angry with him and I'm not okay with it. So then what? Today I was realizing that I'm just confused...maybe baffled...by him.

I honestly thought the best of him this whole time. In reality, that's why we stayed together so long - I put up with more than I ever thought I should/would because I thought "Even if he's not doing the right thing, he wants to do the right thing and maybe he just doesn't see what that is right now." I will never be sorry for wanting the best for his life and continuing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I will never regret caring for someone more than myself or investing my time and energy to help him - even though it's making this new relationship better than he would have ever tried to make ours. I do not regret giving this my all. I'm disappointed that I gave it to the wrong person/that he either missed what was being given to him or decided he didn't want it, but I know that we are better off not being together anyway.

Even through this breakup I've given Jason the benefit of the doubt. Thinking he would want to be friends or have a conversation that I knew would be hard - he's let me down quite a bit during all of this. Between not agreeing to talk to me in person and telling me he's been working every weekend and "might" miss the weigh-in (the next/last time we are "scheduled" to see each other) tells me that he will not be there whether or not he has to work - sure, he "might" be, but he has honestly given me no reason to believe he will show up. I am disappointed that he is not being the person I always knew he could be and baffled as to why he's okay with that.

But that's over. He's not my responsibility anymore. I'm my responsibility. I need to take control of what I can and do everything in my power to get better. One thing that has been very wrong in this is how much I've allowed it to take over my life. Understand me here - this was a big deal. It shook me to the core and that is appropriate. If it would not have, then that would have been an issue. But I have allowed it to affect my work, my sleep, my health, my friendships - everything. People have been phenominal to me and I couldn't have gotten to this moment without them, but the only way for me to stop feeling so hurt is to start to let it heal - stop picking the scab (sorry for that gross illustration).

Courtney and I were talking today and she told me that she heard a song that made her think of me and she played it for me and I really liked it. (not such a fan of the fact it's by Danity Kane, but still). The thing I like most about this song is that I do feel damaged by this whole thing, but that's okay. The point of the song is that the girl is moving on, and that she needs someone patient enough to work WITH her and see the value in something that's been damaged. Honestly, I remember Jason telling me about how broken he was after the breakup with the girl he dated before me and I hated her for it. Regardless of how he felt (pretty sure he hated her too) I hated her for doing such a terrible thing to anyone - let alone someone I saw such value in. I don't hate Jason and I don't want to, honestly. But if someone comes along and sees the value in my heart, I would hope they would be angry that someone mistreated it in the past but I love the idea of them fixing it. :)

"Damaged" by Danity Kane

Do you got a first aid kit handy?

Do you know how to patch up a wound?

Tell me,are you patient,understanding?

Cause I might need some time to clear the holes in my heart and I

I've tried every remedy

And nothing seems to work for me

Baby, this situation is driving me crazy

And I really wanna be your lady

But the one before you left me so

Damaged,Damaged

I thought I should let you know

That my heart is

Damaged, So Damaged

And you can blame the one before

So how you gonna fix it

You try to gain my trust

Talking is not enough

Actions speak louder than words

You gotta show me something

My heart is missing some pieces

I need this puzzle put together again

Tell me are you up for the challenge?

Thought

I remembered this quote just now and while I definitely don't feel I can say it right now, it's a good mantra to work towards:

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have become who I was intended to be"

Closure.

So yesterday the only consolance I could give myself was that I was still Jason's #1 friend on Myspace.

Today he moved me off his top friends. And put the other girl as #1. Above his best friend, even.

I broke the 30 day rule and IM'ed him.

He told me he had met someone and that he had learned from our relationship that it's not good to talk to girls, especially an ex (he had kept hidden from me the fact that he was talking to a friend and then didn't make an effort to make me feel better) so he wanted to wrap things up. I told him I was happy that he was happy, hope she realizes how lucky she is and that I'm always here as a friend.

He made a point of saying that the friendship wouldn't be good (for the reasons above) but that he hopes I'm happy too.

And that's it.

I will see him on April 6th at our final weigh-in (that's the one thing we did chat about. I've lost 40 pounds and he's lost 50, but because it's based on % of body weight, I'm beating him by 1%) but that will most likely be the last time.

This sucks, but it answers a lot of questions and kinda shoves me in the right direction.

Ouch

Jason told me the last day that I saw him that his best friend's wife offered to set him up with a girl she knew from work (in City A).

I saw he checked his myspace. He added a new friend - girl. She's also a friend on their list. She lives in City A. And she's pretty.

I could not imagine explaining how much that hurt. Even if they just met, I know why they were introduced. And it hurts. So bad.

My heart is shattering.

Better Spirits

So I didn't like leaving today on such a negative note.

I went to kickboxing. I worked out hard. To the point where you feel about to throw up. Whoops.

I finished 1 of 2 chapters of reading and homework and started on the 2nd chapter. Need to finish that reading, do the homework, and take the quizzes for both chapters. Then do the practice final, the actual final and then I'm done. With one class. Of two.

The other I just need to read and the readings' not too bad. If only I was actually able to concentrate somewhere (work is distracting...home is distracting...maybe I'm just always distracted...)

Someone said this to me today:

"I've noticed that you have made a significant change in your

physical appearance and would like to congratulate your efforts."

Evidently that's how a business analyst comments on weight loss. :)

And a survey that I thought was fun:

I give you money and send you into the grocery store to pick up 5 items.
You can only pick one thing from the following departments.. what is it?
1. Produce: Bananas
2. Bakery: Maple Bars
3. Meat: Sweet and Sour Chicken 4. Frozen: Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked
5. Dry goods: Lime tortilla chips

Let’s say we’re heading out for a weekend getaway. You’re only allowed to bring 3 articles of clothing with you. So, what’s in your bag?
1. Underwear
2. Jacket
3. Swimsuit (assuming I’m wearing jeans and a shirt of some sort)

If I was to listen in on one of your conversations throughout the day, what 4 phrases or words would I be most likely to heard?
1. "Realistically" (I was told by my sister that I say that a LOT more than I realize.)
2. "I'm just saying..."
3. "bitches"
4. "Worse case scenario"

So, what 4 things do you find yourself doing every single day, and if you didn’t get to do, you probably wouldn’t be in the best mood?
1. Surf the internet 2. eat
3. drink diet coke
4. go potty
You’re driving down the road, and suddenly you’re hit with this sense of road rage. What 3 factors probably contributed to it?
1. The person in front of me going under the speed limit
2. someone not using their turn signal
3. Getting cut off.

Sweet, you just scored a whole afternoon to yourself. We’re talking a 3 hour block with nobody around. What 5 activities might we find you doing?
1. Sleeping
2. Watching tv 3. Shopping
4. working out
5. Cleaning
(notice that homework did not make the list)

We’re going to the zoo. But, it looks like it could start storming, so it’ll have to be a quick visit. What 3 exhibits do we have to get to?
1. Giraffes
2. Moneys
3. Hippos

You just scored tickets to the taping of any show that comes on t.v. of your choice. You can pick between 4, so what are you deciding between?
1. Grey’s Anatomy
2. One Tree Hill
3. any talk show that gives stuff away
4. Wheel of Fortune (but only if I can be a contestant)

You’re hungry for ice cream. I’ll give you a triple dipper ice cream cone. What 3 flavors can I pile on for ya?
1. Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked
2. Vanilla
3. World Class Chocolate

Somebody stole your purse/wallet…in order to get it back, you have to name 5 things you know are inside to claim it. So, what’s in there?
1. Wallet/wristlet
2. Camera in a blue drawstring bag
3. Nintendo DS
4. Keys
5. Clinique lip gloss

You are at a job fair, and asked in what areas you are interested in pursuing a career. Let’s pretend you have every talent and ability to be whatever you wanted, so what 4 careers would best describe what you want to be?
1. Lawyer
2. HR Coordinator
3. Photographer
4. Writer

If you could go back and talk to the old you, when you were in high/middle school, and inform yourself of 4 things, what would you say?
1. Get involved in sports
2. Do running start sr. year
3. Don’t tell people as much as you feel inclined to.
4. Take pictures and journal more (remember where you’re coming from).

I'm tagging Asia, Ashley, Laura and Amanda because...you're the only ones I know that read this. SO HA! :)

Biding my time

This weekend was...just okay.

Friday:

I did NOT end up going kickboxing. I forgot to pack some stuff in my workout bag. Whoops.
I DID go to the birthday party. It was okay. I do not question why I have not been close with those people, but they are nice people that made for an interesting night.

Saturday:
I did NOT end up working out as I had planned.
I DID sleep in. Finally. We went to the Lois Lowry thing - it was about as good as you can expect an author's presentation to be. She's an interesting person, I'm just not all that into lecture-things.
Afterwards, sister and I walked around near Pacific Place for awhile and then went to see:

Here's a tip: When you're a little heart broken, and really hoping that fate will bring you another chance with that person, don't see this movie. Although I do think that 2 hours worth of Ryan Reynolds will help anyone.

It was actually kinda cute. I'd give it 3 1/4 stars.

Then we came home and really did nothing. I went for some Mongolian - that's always good. I get it from a Mongolian restaurant, but it's not quite Mongolian (I don't think). I get VERY little noodles (maybe 10-15 total), LOTS of chicken, some pineapple, olives, broccoli and carrots and then I'm good to go. I only do the sauce they put on it (periodically I get crazy and do the teriyaki sauce, but I've only done that once out of the past...5-6 times?) and that's it. Not very Mongolian. Oh well. Still yummy. :)

Sunday morning I forced myself to get out of bed (had been laying there moping for awhile) and go work out. I went to 24 hour and it wasn't nearly as bad a workout as I planned. Ha. Then I went tanning (and didn't burn!?!!?), went grocery shopping, stopped to say hi to Courtney, and then went home. And slept. And did nothing. And started crying.

I'm having SUCH a hard time with this breakup. I'm sick of feeling this way and I'm sick of needing to talk through it cause I feel like I'm sick of talking about it- how sick must my friends be of hearing about it? I talked to Courtney and mentioned that as of yesterday I had 9 days left until I could talk to him and she posed an interesting question: why wait 9 more days? Jason's probably not counting days (not his style), and maybe the 30 days was more of a metaphor for "time" - I've obviously not gotten over him and if I'm wanting to know where he stands, why torture myself for 9 days?

Good friggin point.

I thought about it and haven't really made up my mind yet, but I think right now the 30 days (waiting it out) needs to be the guideline. Cause realistically, there was no reconsideration planned on his part, so why would I expect that? And if I'm going to get rejected (hey, it's possible - more probable, actually) then at least I will tell myself I stuck to my goal.

Although I'd really like to talk to him.

And I'd really like him to say that he made a mistake and that he wants to get back together and he has been thinking about stuff he could do in the meantime, too.

And that he'd send me flowers with a note that says "Happy Valentine's Day" (since I didn't get them then).

And that we'd live happily ever after.

But...I can't plan that.

And I'm just setting myself up for heartache right now - even if he does want to get back together that's a lot to ask for.

I need a quick "get over him" remedy. Anyone?

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0 days until St. Patty's Day - not going out. :(
3 days until Winter Quarter Ends (finally!!)
8 days until I can talk to Jason again
11 days until I never wear contacts again (have a week of glasses before my surgery)
14 days until Spring Quarter Starts (yuck)
15 days until April Fools Day (my favorite Holiday! bwah ha ha)
18 days until my Lasik!!
20 days until Richest Loser ends (and I win) :)
31 days until I fly to California with the Fam.

Funked

I'm in a funk.

Shocker, I know.

Some random thoughts:

School is done in 6 days. I have a LOT left to do. I was given the opportunity to procrastinate and - shocker - I did. Whoops. You'd think I'd just bite the bullet and get it over with, but you'd be wrong.

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I'm really liking that Demitri Martin CD I got from Best Buy. He has some great one-liners (like I already said) such as:

"I've been trying a new product called "I can't believe it's not butter!" because sometimes, when I make toast, I like to be incredulous. They even tell you what emotion to feel! Sometimes I mix it with normal butter and think "I can believe some of this is butter." but then I go to restaurants and order rolls and when they ask if I want butter I think "I don't know what to believe anymore."

"Vests, I think, are great protection. Life vests protect you from drowning; bullet proof vests protect you from getting shot; sweater vests protect you from pretty girls."

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So there's a birthday party tonight that I was invited to in a round-a-bout way. (A bulletin sent out on Myspace and a friend mentioning they were going to it then throwing in "you can come if you want")

I don't really know these people all that well, but I could tolerate a party for awhile. And I don't have anything better to do. I think it will be fine but...I don't know. I just feel like I've been a huge tag-along lately. :( That's a sucky feeling.

Along those lines, I kinda thought of a way to explain how I'm feeling about the whole break-up right now. It's like walking down a road towards your goals (for me, right now - finish school, get the job I would want forever or at least get on that career path, pay off debt, etc) and regardless of who is next to you on the road, you're still working towards those things. So when Jason decided he didn't want our relationship anymore, at first I felt abandoned. Only now I'm realizing that the road has never been what is important to me. It's ALWAYS been who I've been walking with. The road is still there - the goals are still being worked towards - but they are not the focus. They're not the point.

Think about it - what are my hobbies? Scrapbooking (looking back on times I've shared with people in hopes of remembering them more vividly), comedy clubs (which I would never go to by myself and I like seeing who people's favorite comedians are), and basically spending time with people! Over the years my hobbies have changed depending on who I was hanging out with - in Bellingham a lot of my friends liked to be outdoors, so I tried a lot of new things I'd never done before outside. When I worked at ITL they went to clubs, so that's what I did. When I hung out with Julie we did house parties and ball games. It's always changed! This reiterates my points - I'm not a goal person, I'm a companion person. That's hard.

And with just trying to cope with everything, it's hardest because I feel like my favorite, main companion just abandoned me. And the other companions I feel like I'm imposing on - just because companionship is something I want (and something Jason and previously provided me with) doesn't mean that now it's their responsibility.

Arg.

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So I have this special talent. When you hire me, you will get married.

This goes back to my days in high school working at Old Navy - the store manager got engaged less than a week after I started.

So did one of my leaders at MSM.

So did my boss at the phone company.

So did the chiropractor.

So did a co-worker at the relocation company.

So did (one of the two) my boss when I started my current job.

It's like "Good Luck Chuck" only cleaner. And more profitable for me.

I just was asked for my address for the most current boss - this will be, hands down, the most fancy wedding I have ever been to and probably will ever go to. Black tie, everything done the nicest (most expensive) way possible. I'm intrigued.

And dateless.

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1 day until Lois Lowry (author of The Giver - my favorite book ever) is speaking in Seattle

3 days until St. Patty's Day - hopefully going to O'Finnigans Pub in Bothell/Everett

6 days until Winter Quarter Ends (finally!!)

11 days until I can talk to Jason again

14 days until I never wear contacts again (have a week of glasses before my surgery)

17 days until Spring Quarter Starts (yuck)

18 days until April Fools Day (my favorite Holiday! bwah ha ha)

21 days until my Lasik!!

23 days until Richest Loser ends (and I win) :)

34 days until I fly to California with the Fam.

Loop-de-loop

I am pretty loopy today.

No particular reason, but I'm weirder than normal.

Scary.

For example, I asked Courtney what she was doing tonight. She said she was going to watch her husband play in a pool tournament. I asked if she would be getting into a brawl (she's never been in a brawl, so I'm not sure where that came from) and if I could be in it too - cause you know with kickboxing I've gotten really good at uppercuts and hooks. Not so much jabs, those need work.

What the heck was I talking about?

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BTW: I really hate having to stop what I'm doing to go to the bathroom. Or eat.

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When I was working for MI Chiropractic back in 2005-2006, there was a massage therapist named Erin that I adored - both for massage and her personality. Around the time I left, she moved away and they hired a girl named Lauren. Lauren wasn't quite so good, but I still liked her a lot. About a year ago, Lauren went back to school, but her sister was also working at MI Chiro, so I started going to her. She was equally as good. Anyway, she just left, and the girl that's left at the office - not a fan.

I've been calling around to different places today to find someone that can bill my insurance, and it's just not going as well as I'd like. I'm impatient - I don't want to wait until next week. I'm in PAIN. (these aren't relaxation massages - these are the ones where you're sore for 2 days after because your knots were THAT bad.) Lame.

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There was no point to that story. Or this post. Thanks for those 5 minutes - you won't get them back.

Ferras!

I totally forgot to post about a new artist I like last week. Oh well. :)


On Friday KISS106.1 had Ferras in studio. Evidently his song "Hollywood's Not America" is played when contestants are kicked off American Idol (this I would not know since I don't watch it). Anyway, he was a really cool, down-to-earth guy and when it came time to perform I was able to watch him via the Kiss Studio Cam.

In. Cred. I. Ble.

Seriously. Amazing range - sweet runs of ad libbing - excellant on the keyboard - loved it. Was very excited to get his cd which he said was being released in stores on April 1st. SO LONG. :)


Anyway, later I get an Outlook reminder for an artist performing for any Amazon people that want to go - it's Ferras! So I got to go check him out like 20 feet from me. SUPER fun. I even cheated and videotaped but Blogger doesn't like me right now.

He sang a few songs I hadn't heard when he was at Kiss, so that was fun - then we got to meet him and get autographs/pics! (Not sure why we look so pasty...)
So that was SUPER. Anyway, I got a message on Myspace yesterday saying his song was available to download from AmazonMP3 or iTunes - it's called Aliens and Rainbows.

So yeah...good times. Ferras! You'll like him.

Anything else while I'm here?

Umm...still sore from kickboxing on Monday. Went last night and did pretty well - felt I could have pushed harder though. I really like the gal that teaches on Wednesdays so even though I think I should skip tonight, I doubt I will.

Sing it with me - "It's the final countdown!!!!"

3 days until Lois Lowry (author of The Giver - my favorite book ever) is speaking in Seattle
5 days until St. Patty's Day - hopefully going to O'Finnigans Pub in Bothell/Everett
8 days until Winter Quarter Ends (finally!!)
13 days until I can talk to Jason again
16 days until I never wear contacts again (have a week of glasses before my surgery)
19 days until Spring Quarter Starts (yuck)
20 days until April Fools Day (my favorite Holiday! bwah ha ha)
23 days until my Lasik!!
25 days until Richest Loser ends (and I win) :)
36 days until I fly to California with the Fam.

Just another Tuesday

I saw this comic yesterday. Ha!

Not quite, but anyway. :)

Kickboxing last night was tough. I'm not sure why squats and lunges are so hard for me, but I can go 45 minutes giving all I've got, then they say squats or lunges and I just can't do it.

Needless to say, my glutes are a little sore.

Oh, and some random guy I worked with commented on my weight loss. He said "I was going to ask if you had, but it's obvious that you did, so ... good work!" I thought that was entertaining.

Last night I talked to Jason's little brother Kevin on IM for a bit. Didn't ask anything about Jason (you'd better believe that was hard) but I did ask about their grandpa - he's doing well. That's good.

I don't know why but I've been on a big black and white kick lately and I keep seeing bedding sets that I like. First was Karen Russell's (try to ignore the ridiculously cute children on the bed)

Of course you can't find that ANYWHERE and I can only find flowery stuff that's not-so-me like this from Nordstrom:

Then Target had this in their ad (not a fan of that pillow with it, though):But I don't want Target stuff anymore. I'm a grown up. (Or something).

And the idea of having white sheets has always bothered me. So I'll be sticking with what I have. For now.

I never said I was interesting. ;)

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• 4 days until Lois Lowry (author of The Giver - my favorite book ever) is speaking in Seattle
• 6 days until St. Patty's Day - hopefully going to O'Finnigans Pub in Bothell/Everett
• 9 days until Winter Quarter Ends (finally!!)
• 14 days until I can talk to Jason again
• 17 days until I never wear contacts again (have a week of glasses before my surgery)
• 20 days until Spring Quarter Starts (yuck)
• 21 days until April Fools Day (my favorite Holiday! bwah ha ha)
• 24 days until my Lasik!!
• 26 days until Richest Loser ends (and I win) :)
• 37 days until I fly to California with the Fam.

Becky the Brunette!

Somebody has brown hair now.... :)

(I love it!!)

• 2 days until I get to road trip to TOMs with Asia (consolation prize for not going to the 20 hour crop - sad)
• 9 days until Lois Lowry (author of The Giver - my favorite book ever) is speaking in Seattle
• 11 days until St. Patty's Day - hopefully going to O'Finnigans Pub in Bothell/Everett
• 14 days until Winter Quarter Ends (finally!!)
• 19 days until I can talk to Jason again
• 25 days until Spring Quarter Starts (yuck)
• 26 days until April Fools Day (my favorite Holiday! bwah ha ha)
• 29 days until my Lasik!!
• 31 days until Richest Loser ends (and I win) :)
• 42 days until I fly to California with the Fam.

Becky's Life: Day 9207

I apologize in advance to my sister for posting this picture that I know she abhors (sorry, sista)

I'm thinking about dying my hair (again) but more like this:

This picture is from 2001 - CRAZY! I'm not sure I would do it quite that red, but definitely a reddish brown. Not sure why I'm on a kick to dye my hair, butI had told myself if I wasn't loving the current hair by this weekend I was okay to change it. I might try to coordinate with Courtney's friend that is going to the Gene Juarez Academy but we'll see...

I've been having a hard time waking up lately. Weird.

My sister uploaded the Sara Bareilles cd to my iTunes - I like it! Seriously. I played track 7 on repeat for like 1/2 hour yesterday - her voice is AMAZING. There's something about a alto range that can hit the high notes...ooh la la.

I went to kickboxing Monday AND yesterday AND am going today. Monday's class was a little frustrating - I'm not so much a fan of doing ALL one side then ALL the other - seems like you're ineffective after your arm feels ready to fall off. ;) Yesterday's class didnt' go nearly as fast as they usually do, but it was tough and I liked it.

I found a new project for myself, too!! A little over a year ago I made an ABC scrapbook for Jason's neice using the names of family, pets, familiar objects, etc. I was thinking about making another for Courtney's daughter, Emma. I remembered that I had made a scrapbook for Courtney for her 21st birthday and then read Karen Russel's post yesterday about things Annie is doing today and thought it would be fun to capture Emma's life right now in a scrapbook. We made a list of what each letter could be - I feel some scrap time coming on!! :)

So yeah. Things are up and down a lot - yesterday Jason changed his Myspace status back to "single" and took off all the pictures of me. I did that a few days after everything happened, but I'm on there daily - he's on a few times a year. It just hit me funny. I'm still not doing very well with all of this, but I'm trying.

The countdown continues (and a few extras added):

• 3 days until I get to road trip to TOMs with Asia (consolation prize for not going to the 20 hour crop - sad)
• 10 days until Lois Lowry (author of The Giver - my favorite book ever) is speaking in Seattle
• 12 days until St. Patty's Day - hopefully going to O'Finnigans Pub in Bothell/Everett
• 15 days until Winter Quarter Ends (finally!!)
• 20 days until I can talk to Jason again
• 26 days until Spring Quarter Starts (yuck)
• 27 days until April Fools Day (my favorite Holiday! bwah ha ha)
• 30 days until my Lasik!!
• 32 days until Richest Loser ends (and I win) :)
• 43 days until I fly to California with the Fam.

Fun and Exciting

So this weekend was good. :)

Friday afternoon I had to leave work early to make it to my Lasik appointment. After a very strange experience, I didn't end up getting seen on Friday. (I might explain later, but locals, avoid Lomis Lasik and Eye Care).

I called around and remembered having heard VERY good things about King and Machovick Lasik (off 405 in Renton) and gave them a call. They were able to get me in at 9am on Saturday! So great. :) That way I could still figure out if I was a candidate BEFORE I had to turn in my new benefit info today.

Friday afternoon I met up with Courtney and we headed out to Bingo again in Auburn.

I heart Bingo. I would heart it even more if we won, but it's still fun. :) 2 people near us won so that was exciting. ;) We had a coupon that expired 2/29 (that night) so we decided to stay for the late night session (so we were there from 6:30pm - 2am). We were tired. And we didn't win. But we had fun. :)

Saturday morning I went in for my exam:

And I'm a candidate!!!

YAY!!! I can't have the surgery until after April 1st, so

I scheduled it for Friday, April 4th.

I'm SO EXCITED!!!

It's still pretty pricey, but I can justify the cost about 500 ways, so that's cool.

This does mean I won't be going to the 20 hour crop, though. Sad. :(

I ended up napping and talking to my sister for awhile. We were trying to go see a movie, but it didn't end up happening, so we hit up Best Buy. I bought the Demitri Martin comedy CD - it's pretty funny - full of one liners and fun stuff. Sunday morning I went to church - probably not going to do that again for awhile. I went more out of wanting something to do (with people - not like kickboxing when it tends to be just by myself) and didn't like that people (parents) thought I was going cause I wanted to be THERE, so...yeah. Had a little bit of an emotional breakdown afterwards (some strange dreams making the whole "getting over Jason" issue difficult), took another nap (I don't know...don't ask) and headed up to hang out with Courtney. It was good times.

In other news....

I think it's funny that pic has a pair of jeans...having lost 30 pounds, my pants are a little loose, but the pants that I have that are a size smaller are still too small. That's frustrating. GO AWAY, TUMMY!! :) (and get back here, boobs!! - ha!)

I don't know how realistic this is, but our Richest Loser competition ends in 33 days and I would LOVE to have lost a total of 50 pounds. These past few weeks have been bad for me - lots of "whoops" meals and 2-workout weeks, but I'm still losing because of the food changes (totally lucky). So I'm planning to kickbox 3 times per week and then do one (or more) days at the gym or add in another kickboxing class (it's so expensive - I should be going every day - ha) I totally think I could do it and would LOVE that $500...plus how great would it be to have gone through all of this and end up SKINNIER?! :) I'm doing the numbers to see what the competition would have to do and it will be tough, but I'm serious about doing this the healthy way so I can KEEP it off.

So the current countdowns:

33 days until Richest Loser competition annouces I'm the winner (power of positive thinking)

31 days until my Lasik

22 days until I am allowed to talk to Jason (hey - had to throw that in. Whether I will or not is TBD).

WOOT