Friday, April 25, 2008

Stroke of honesty.

These past few days have been really hard on me and it sucks. I don’t think anyone around me would have noticed that it’s been so hard because I’ve been hiding it ridiculously well (even impressing myself!), but I think I need to air some things out. Time for me to face the challenge, I guess.

I’ve been feeling ridiculously lonely and it’s not been for lack of people around me/to talk to. If anything it’s weird to feel this way because I’ve been hanging out with people more, talking to people more, etc and had been feeling generally happier, then *boom!* - lonely. It’s like that quote in the movie Titanic about being in a crowd of people but feeling SO alone. Part of it, I know, is that in the past I’ve always had someone that was my best friend that I spent ALL my time hanging out with/talking to, and right now my 2 best friends are both married (so yes, we can hang out a lot, but it’s not the same) and the other people I’ve been spending significant time with lately I am learning are not the best to get too close to.

And then there’s “Dizz” (my nickname for him). Dizz is a friend that now lives in St. Louis that I used to talk to a lot pre-Jason, then when Jason and I started dating he was a casualty of my confusion (I still have yet to figure out how to maintain friendships with the opposite gender appropriately while in a relationship, and definitely did things wrong back then by just dropping EVERYONE). We started chatting again earlier this month and through that friendship I have been reminded about a lot of things I lost sight of in myself and my friendships through all of this. Right now he’s the best guy friend I could ask for – fun to talk to, same sense of humor, random, no pressure, etc. He’s one of those people where you just sit scratching your head wondering how life deemed you so lucky to get them as a friend. And I get to go visit him next weekend which I am completely excited about. The problem? The distance. I feel like I’m more myself when I’m talking to him lately (vs. anyone else) and I’m not used to only getting to talk to a good friend – I wanna hang out. Maybe I’m just being selfish and ungrateful… Arg. AND I’m nervous that when I *do* get to hang out with him that I’m going to hate leaving. I’m skipping over the excitement and jumping to the frustration. (note to self: stop doing that) .

I stopped working out basically since the weigh-in earlier this month (exactly what I didn’t want to happen) and somehow I haven’t regained any weight. Still at exactly 50. Or my scale is broken. I should have been doing more, but I’m just unmotivated. And it makes me wonder how much more I would have lost if I would have been on top of things. ARG.

School is frustrating. When last quarter was wrapping up, I had a really hard time signing up for this quarter just because I felt like life was overwhelming me. I really didn’t want to, but I signed up anyway thinking I was staying true to myself, doing what I had been determined to do regardless of what life threw my way… blah blah blah. I should have listened to my gut. I’m distracted, struggling and falling behind. And it’s too late to drop now. Yes, taking a quarter off will prolong everything, but I think I needed the mental break. Arg. So now do I take NEXT quarter off? Only one class instead of 2? Wait and see? I don’t even know…

We went to visit my brother last weekend in LA and it was a lot of fun and I didn’t realize until I got back how good it felt to drive around and not wonder if I was going to run into Jason or his friends. And then I got frustrated with myself for still not feeling comfortable about that. (Especially since it’s been a month and I’ve only seen his best friend 1 time, but no one else). I don’t feel like I’m still dealing with anxiety about that, but the fact the thought surfaced (and hasn’t really gone away since) is more irritating than I could possibly communicate. I don’t want Jason back. I don’t hate him. I don’t even really miss him. I think I’m jealous that he’s in the relationship he wants to be in (assumption) and is getting to move on with his life and I feel like as soon as I take 2 steps forward, I hit a wall, and I’m *really* sick of it. I’m bitter. And it’s annoying.

And I keep checking out his myspace. He very rarely logs in so I'm not sure why I'm looking for anything different on his page, but I do. And I look at his girlfriend's page (even though it's private and I can't see anything). It makes no sense. I hate that I do it, but I still do it. I feel like I'm become this person that I don't understand and that this entire experience (that started out as an amazing experience feeling like someone FINALLY felt what I had to offer was useful-so much for that idea) is bringing out the worst in me. It's not fair for me to question my worth because the relationship wasn't right. SO WHY AM I? It's not fair that I gave it my everything and (even though I know now that we're better off not together) I was the one rejected by someone that couldn't even give me their full attention. It's not fair that through all of this I'm becoming someone that I never wanted to be. It's not fair. It's like every time I cry, every time I worry about seeing him/them, every time I look at his page or think about him, I feel like I lose and he wins. And now I'm crying....ARG!!!

*changing topics - see how good I am at not dealing with things? Probably why I'm in this mess*

When I first started my job I supported 2 guys, then they both got promotions and now I only support one. (the other one needed an EA that spoke Japanese and well…I don’t.) Anyway. The other one is getting married over Memorial Day weekend and I have to find a date. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being highest) of how much I am dreading that, I’m at a76. Minimum.

I thought of 4 guys I could take:
Option 1 will probably be out of town for the holiday AND I don’t really feel I know him well enough to ask him yet.
Option 2 is from work and both our bosses will be there and I don’t want to deal with people from work thinking there is anything more than friends.
Option 3 is Dizz (only #3 cause he’d have to fly here) and his sister is graduating that weekend.
Option 4 I haven’t talked to in like a year and will probably be out of town. ARG.

Oh. And I’m supposed to get my review at work this afternoon. I don’t anticipate it being bad (my boss is SO nice…seriously) but I just hate stuff like that.

So that’s my honesty. And I don’t feel any better having written all of that either. Yet. :(

Monday, April 14, 2008

5:1 (and other thoughts)

So I was reading other people’s blogs and whining to myself about how people haven’t updated in like 5 days and what’s the hold up? Then I realized haven’t updated in like 10. Whoops. My apologies.

This past week has been interesting, with most of it becoming really clear to me yesterday.

Rewind: I started casually dating again and have since realized I don’t want to casually date. But I don’t think I would have realized that had I not tried it.

Before I went out with anyone, I had noticed a new church built in Bellevue right next to BCC called “Champions Centre” – I knew I’d heard of that church before, thought it was funny to build a church where they did (literally you turn into BCC’s campus and it’s next to the gas station right there. Odd) but didn’t think much about it.

Then I went out with a guy that happened to go to their main campus in Tacoma. I looked more into the church (good to know what the other person believes) and liked what I saw. Regardless of this guy, I wanted to go there. So on the 6th, I did. (with some friends). We actually went to the Tacoma church first, and I didn’t like it cause it was HUGE, but I liked the pastor and the church as a whole. (oh and the guy fell off the face of the planet. Which I’m okay with.)
Yesterday we went to the Bellevue campus and I loved it. Much more my size (it might hold like 300 people max) and still the same pastor and type of service.

The pastor talked about the power of the tongue. It’s funny, cause I really don’t feel like I got NEW information (growing up in church, you hear the same verses for the same topics) but I like how he worded it. And I needed that right now. He talked about being positive and not being sarcastic, the pointlessness of talking problems to death (“Hello, Becky. This is God talking to you”) and that relationships need a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative comments (minimum!) to work – even as friendships! So I put this on my phone as a reminder since I’m near my phone all day:

Oh, and as we were leaving we noticed this sign on the end of our row – ha!
We actually went out to lunch with the leader of the Young Adults group, her husband and about 9 other people – I am so glad we did. I had a lot of fun, didn’t feel like the focus was on the “new people” but that we weren’t left out, and it was just a quality group of people. They have a Young Adults service on Wednesdays at their Tacoma campus that I want to check out, but I’m worried I will really like it and then have to drive a lot. :)

After that I hung out with my friends that had gone with me, which was a lot of fun. I kept thinking about the phrase “Show me your friends and I will show you your future” and really started to think about 2 of the guys I was “casually” talking to and that they just weren’t good. So I told them I wasn’t going to talk to them anymore, giving the excuse that I thought I needed more time before I start dating again and that I wasn’t sure that it would work between us in the future. One didn’t really understand how I came to that conclusion but seemed okay with it, and the other called me names. Mean names. A lot of names. The only thing I said to him in response was “thank you for proving I made the right choice”.

So…honestly, that wasn’t easy, but I’m finding myself trying to focus on the positives – making sure my thoughts to myself are at least 5:1, too. That should be a challenge, but I want to be up for it!! (As my dad would say “you have to want to want to change”)
Let’s see…what else...
It was gorgeous on Saturday. I took this picture from Courtney's in-laws back porch (on my camera phone):
The only problem? I was not on the lake. :)

LASIK went well. My vision is better now than it was with contacts, but they said it still won’t be perfect for at least another week or two while my eyes continue to heal. I got some burst blood vessels on my eyes from it (totally normal) and I was told they look “gnarly”.

I did not win my Richest Loser competition. Jason did. He beat me by 1.3%. That. Sucked. I found this out 2 days after my LASIK (when they also put plugs in my tear ducts to help with the dry eyes people usually get afterwards) and when I started crying (after I left finding out I didn’t win) no tears came out. It was a WEIRD feeling. Now it’s kinda funny. Not so funny at the time. ;)

All in all, for the competition I lost 46.4 pounds. In 3 months. Since then, I’ve hit the 50 pound mark. I’m really proud of myself for what I did, but I also realized through all of this that I had the wrong motives entirely, so as strange as it is to admit, I’m not surprised I lost (God teaching me a lesson). I realized that my wanting to win was wanting to rub my success in the faces of other contestants and that was mean and vengeful and just not good all around. So I proved I was dedicated, got a good start and now it’s up to me. It’s not proving anything to anyone but me. As it should have been. (Live and Learn)

I’ve been baking a lot lately. I really want to make these now.

And last but not least, I wanted a new quote for the week and remembered this one from SATC:
“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

And, in looking to make sure I got the wording right, found all these other ones that I just want to have. Let them minister to you (ha)

That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.
When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

The universe may not always play fair, but at least it's got a hell of a sense of humor.

Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with...

The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don't. But, in the end, they're the people you always come home to. Sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes it's the one you make for yourself.

No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.

Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you ... Hallmark doesn't make a "congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy" card. And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?

After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh

I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.

Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.

I will not be the first one to speak. And if he never calls me again, I'll always think of him fondly. As an asshole.
(Hey, that was like a 20:1 ratio) ;)

Thursday, April 03, 2008

"Don't go changing..."

So I have this friend named Dave. He looks EXACTLY like Dave Chappelle. To the point that when we hang out he gets asked for his autograph. (That really has nothing to do with why I'm posting about him, but just a fun tidbit)

On Monday when I was driving home from work, I saw Dave's car on I-90. SO FUN! So I called him and was teasing him about "Do you ever feel like you're being followed?" We laughed. Good times.

Yesterday I was in the parking lot for Safeway/24 hour fitness and almost got hit by some crazy BMW. It was Dave. WEIRD. (and don't drive crazy, dude!)
Today I was driving to work and hear someone honking at me. No joke - it's him. 3 times. In 4 days. WEIRD. Understand that before last week, I hadn't even talked to Dave in probably 6 months.
Back in May, 2005, Courtney got married and we had these super cute bridesmaid dresses:

I got invited to a wedding in May for one of the bosses at work and it's supposed to be ridiculously fancy, so I was thinking I was going to have to shell out big bucks for a dress. Well, I don't. The dress fits. Hopefully it won't fit by May (should be too big) but alterations are much cheaper than new dresses. Usually. (ha)

Today is my last day of ever wearing glasses or contacts. I can not explain how totally excited I am. My LASIK is at 8am tomorrow and then I'm supposed to go home and sleep. I am going to try to stay up SUPER late tonight (probably utilize the 24-hour-ness of my gym) and will probably be too anxious to sleep. YAY!!
I was given the nickname "Peanut" this week. It makes me laugh and I actually really like it. Someone pointed out, though, that I'm allergic to nuts, so I have a nickname of something I am allergic to. ha.


F is for Free Concert - Dave (mentioned above) gave me tickets last week to a concert for Josh Kelley (married to Katherine Heigl) who is a fave of my sister and I. We even got to meet him!
F is for Family/Favorite Person Ever/Four-eyes - my sister and I at the Sonics game on Sunday
F is for Family Guy - at the game someone at the scorer's table was not watching the game, but watching Family Guy. Ha!
I had a coffee today.
A grande non-fat sugar-free vanilla latte.
I never drink coffee.
I'm a little wired.
This makes me laugh every time it pops up:

(I'm on his email list, but I always feel like he's emailing me personally - ha)

I say the following things entirely too much:
  • "Realistically..."
  • "...or something..."
  • "worse case scenario"

Just thought I'd share. :)

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

No Foolin!

So I cried this morning.
It was a cry of "I am so proud of myself and it's finally sinking in".
My parents got me a leather jacket for Christmas probably 5 years ago. It hasn't fit me for at least 3 years.
My peacoat is WAY too big now. It looks pretty sloppy so I was frustrated that I couldn't wear that. My North Face fleece is too casual for what I was wearing today.
I saw the leather jacket in my closet and thought "Let's just see..."
It fits. Wonderfully.
I cried. :)
Final weigh in is on Sunday and I'm at 17.3% weight loss so far (44.9 pounds). I REALLY hope to be able to get up to my goal for the contest (which would mean 4.1 more pounds in less than a week which isn't really healthy) but I'm doing 2-a-days at the gym so we will see what happens.
Today I was happy to realize that the whole goal for this thing has changed - it's no longer about proving to the people that will be there how much I wanted this or showing them how great I look or ANYTHING like that. It's that now that I want to see a number I've not seen in a long time and give myself a kick in the rear to keep going for the rest of it. Oh, and walk out richer. ;)