Friday, April 25, 2008
I’ve been feeling ridiculously lonely and it’s not been for lack of people around me/to talk to. If anything it’s weird to feel this way because I’ve been hanging out with people more, talking to people more, etc and had been feeling generally happier, then *boom!* - lonely. It’s like that quote in the movie Titanic about being in a crowd of people but feeling SO alone. Part of it, I know, is that in the past I’ve always had someone that was my best friend that I spent ALL my time hanging out with/talking to, and right now my 2 best friends are both married (so yes, we can hang out a lot, but it’s not the same) and the other people I’ve been spending significant time with lately I am learning are not the best to get too close to.
And then there’s “Dizz” (my nickname for him). Dizz is a friend that now lives in St. Louis that I used to talk to a lot pre-Jason, then when Jason and I started dating he was a casualty of my confusion (I still have yet to figure out how to maintain friendships with the opposite gender appropriately while in a relationship, and definitely did things wrong back then by just dropping EVERYONE). We started chatting again earlier this month and through that friendship I have been reminded about a lot of things I lost sight of in myself and my friendships through all of this. Right now he’s the best guy friend I could ask for – fun to talk to, same sense of humor, random, no pressure, etc. He’s one of those people where you just sit scratching your head wondering how life deemed you so lucky to get them as a friend. And I get to go visit him next weekend which I am completely excited about. The problem? The distance. I feel like I’m more myself when I’m talking to him lately (vs. anyone else) and I’m not used to only getting to talk to a good friend – I wanna hang out. Maybe I’m just being selfish and ungrateful… Arg. AND I’m nervous that when I *do* get to hang out with him that I’m going to hate leaving. I’m skipping over the excitement and jumping to the frustration. (note to self: stop doing that) .
I stopped working out basically since the weigh-in earlier this month (exactly what I didn’t want to happen) and somehow I haven’t regained any weight. Still at exactly 50. Or my scale is broken. I should have been doing more, but I’m just unmotivated. And it makes me wonder how much more I would have lost if I would have been on top of things. ARG.
School is frustrating. When last quarter was wrapping up, I had a really hard time signing up for this quarter just because I felt like life was overwhelming me. I really didn’t want to, but I signed up anyway thinking I was staying true to myself, doing what I had been determined to do regardless of what life threw my way… blah blah blah. I should have listened to my gut. I’m distracted, struggling and falling behind. And it’s too late to drop now. Yes, taking a quarter off will prolong everything, but I think I needed the mental break. Arg. So now do I take NEXT quarter off? Only one class instead of 2? Wait and see? I don’t even know…
We went to visit my brother last weekend in LA and it was a lot of fun and I didn’t realize until I got back how good it felt to drive around and not wonder if I was going to run into Jason or his friends. And then I got frustrated with myself for still not feeling comfortable about that. (Especially since it’s been a month and I’ve only seen his best friend 1 time, but no one else). I don’t feel like I’m still dealing with anxiety about that, but the fact the thought surfaced (and hasn’t really gone away since) is more irritating than I could possibly communicate. I don’t want Jason back. I don’t hate him. I don’t even really miss him. I think I’m jealous that he’s in the relationship he wants to be in (assumption) and is getting to move on with his life and I feel like as soon as I take 2 steps forward, I hit a wall, and I’m *really* sick of it. I’m bitter. And it’s annoying.
And I keep checking out his myspace. He very rarely logs in so I'm not sure why I'm looking for anything different on his page, but I do. And I look at his girlfriend's page (even though it's private and I can't see anything). It makes no sense. I hate that I do it, but I still do it. I feel like I'm become this person that I don't understand and that this entire experience (that started out as an amazing experience feeling like someone FINALLY felt what I had to offer was useful-so much for that idea) is bringing out the worst in me. It's not fair for me to question my worth because the relationship wasn't right. SO WHY AM I? It's not fair that I gave it my everything and (even though I know now that we're better off not together) I was the one rejected by someone that couldn't even give me their full attention. It's not fair that through all of this I'm becoming someone that I never wanted to be. It's not fair. It's like every time I cry, every time I worry about seeing him/them, every time I look at his page or think about him, I feel like I lose and he wins. And now I'm crying....ARG!!!
*changing topics - see how good I am at not dealing with things? Probably why I'm in this mess*
When I first started my job I supported 2 guys, then they both got promotions and now I only support one. (the other one needed an EA that spoke Japanese and well…I don’t.) Anyway. The other one is getting married over Memorial Day weekend and I have to find a date. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being highest) of how much I am dreading that, I’m at a76. Minimum.
I thought of 4 guys I could take:
Option 1 will probably be out of town for the holiday AND I don’t really feel I know him well enough to ask him yet.
Option 2 is from work and both our bosses will be there and I don’t want to deal with people from work thinking there is anything more than friends.
Option 3 is Dizz (only #3 cause he’d have to fly here) and his sister is graduating that weekend.
Option 4 I haven’t talked to in like a year and will probably be out of town. ARG.
Oh. And I’m supposed to get my review at work this afternoon. I don’t anticipate it being bad (my boss is SO nice…seriously) but I just hate stuff like that.
So that’s my honesty. And I don’t feel any better having written all of that either. Yet. :(
Monday, April 14, 2008
This past week has been interesting, with most of it becoming really clear to me yesterday.
We actually went out to lunch with the leader of the Young Adults group, her husband and about 9 other people – I am so glad we did. I had a lot of fun, didn’t feel like the focus was on the “new people” but that we weren’t left out, and it was just a quality group of people. They have a Young Adults service on Wednesdays at their Tacoma campus that I want to check out, but I’m worried I will really like it and then have to drive a lot. :)
After that I hung out with my friends that had gone with me, which was a lot of fun. I kept thinking about the phrase “Show me your friends and I will show you your future” and really started to think about 2 of the guys I was “casually” talking to and that they just weren’t good. So I told them I wasn’t going to talk to them anymore, giving the excuse that I thought I needed more time before I start dating again and that I wasn’t sure that it would work between us in the future. One didn’t really understand how I came to that conclusion but seemed okay with it, and the other called me names. Mean names. A lot of names. The only thing I said to him in response was “thank you for proving I made the right choice”.
So…honestly, that wasn’t easy, but I’m finding myself trying to focus on the positives – making sure my thoughts to myself are at least 5:1, too. That should be a challenge, but I want to be up for it!! (As my dad would say “you have to want to want to change”)
LASIK went well. My vision is better now than it was with contacts, but they said it still won’t be perfect for at least another week or two while my eyes continue to heal. I got some burst blood vessels on my eyes from it (totally normal) and I was told they look “gnarly”.
I did not win my Richest Loser competition. Jason did. He beat me by 1.3%. That. Sucked. I found this out 2 days after my LASIK (when they also put plugs in my tear ducts to help with the dry eyes people usually get afterwards) and when I started crying (after I left finding out I didn’t win) no tears came out. It was a WEIRD feeling. Now it’s kinda funny. Not so funny at the time. ;)
All in all, for the competition I lost 46.4 pounds. In 3 months. Since then, I’ve hit the 50 pound mark. I’m really proud of myself for what I did, but I also realized through all of this that I had the wrong motives entirely, so as strange as it is to admit, I’m not surprised I lost (God teaching me a lesson). I realized that my wanting to win was wanting to rub my success in the faces of other contestants and that was mean and vengeful and just not good all around. So I proved I was dedicated, got a good start and now it’s up to me. It’s not proving anything to anyone but me. As it should have been. (Live and Learn)
I’ve been baking a lot lately. I really want to make these now.
“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”
And, in looking to make sure I got the wording right, found all these other ones that I just want to have. Let them minister to you (ha)
That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.
When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”
The universe may not always play fair, but at least it's got a hell of a sense of humor.
Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with...
The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don't. But, in the end, they're the people you always come home to. Sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes it's the one you make for yourself.
No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.
Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you ... Hallmark doesn't make a "congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy" card. And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?
After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh
I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.
Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.
I will not be the first one to speak. And if he never calls me again, I'll always think of him fondly. As an asshole.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
I got invited to a wedding in May for one of the bosses at work and it's supposed to be ridiculously fancy, so I was thinking I was going to have to shell out big bucks for a dress. Well, I don't. The dress fits. Hopefully it won't fit by May (should be too big) but alterations are much cheaper than new dresses. Usually. (ha)
(I'm on his email list, but I always feel like he's emailing me personally - ha)
- "...or something..."
- "worse case scenario"
Just thought I'd share. :)