Things have been going pretty well since my last post. It’s still ridiculously hard to know that things are the way they are, but I’m trying to focus on understanding myself, setting goals, staying busy, etc.
Since I missed kickboxing on Monday, I went Tuesday after work. I spent Tuesday night talking to my mom for a long time where she recommended I read the book “His Needs, Her Needs” – granted it’s a book for married couples, but she said that the fundamentals it talks about are good for any couple. She made a point to tell me not to read the book then force Jason to read it or lecture him, but just read and learn. It’s been good so far. I might post later about what I’ve learned, but I’m only through the first 3 points now and it is teaching me a lot.
It’s hard to know if reading this book and learning all this stuff will just make things harder if we don’t work everything out, but I am glad to take this time to reflect on things I did right and wrong while it’s all on my mind.
Yesterday I prepared myself mentally to see Jason at our kickboxing class. I was okay with it knowing that it would be easier to not think about things when I’m exhausting myself. Towards the middle of the day he text me asking me a question about going out to dinner today and I asked if I would see him at the class. He said no. (work conflict that happens monthly). That was a weird feeling.
I went again by myself last night and it was an amazing workout. I’m concentrating on pushing myself as hard as I can, but trying to remember technique and stuff like that. It was really good. Our instructor asked where everyone else was (normal classes have 8-12 students. Last night there were 3. Including me.) and I had anticipated that question but responded a lot more calmly and collected than I had anticipated. I was proud.
Tonight we are going to dinner. I am leaving work between 2:30-3pm because he is picking me up at 5pm and well…I wanted to leave early today. I am having a VERY hard time coming to grips with the fact I will not be getting flowers sent to my work. That was the one thing Jason always did well – make me feel special around other people (it was the one-on-one time that we needed to work on) and it’s hard to know it won’t happen today. We will be exchanging gifts tonight (we’d already bought them – that was the text message he sent yesterday) but I don’t know what to expect.
I feel like I’m hanging by a thread, but while I’m hanging I’m realizing how strong I am. Weird.
PS. Yesterday I submitted an application to get a tattoo at LA Ink of the tree. We’ll see what happens.