Broken

It's over. For good.

Since my last post Sunday morning/afternoon, I struggled so bad. The thing that is the hardest right now is actually doing what I know I should be doing. (not calling him. Which I've been bad at. I'll get to that.)

I actually talked to Courtney on Sunday night - let her know that he hadn't called to tell me his decision yet (he said he was aiming for the end of the weekend) and that as much as I wanted to reach out and tell him to take more time than that, the best way to communicate I was giving him time was to NOT contact him.

8:30pm - he called.

We chatted for a bit about what we'd done over the weekend. Then he started "well...here's why I'm calling..." I stopped him and said "please, if you need more time, I'd like you to take it." and he said he didn't need it.

He said no matter what he thought about - our great memories together and all that stuff, he couldn't shake this feeling of failure off our relationship. It's like we're doomed. He said as much as he wanted to give it another shot, he just had a bad taste in his mouth about the whole thing. He couldn't agree to be in the relationship thinking it would fail, and he would never want me to put up with that.

I knew there was nothing I could say. I told him how much I love him and how much I wish his decision was different but that I appreciate him being honest with himself and thinking about what's best for us. I told him that it was hard to let him make this decision for me - that feeling the opposite was bad enough, but knowing this is the result makes a hard situation worse.

It was a horrible, horrible experience.

I hung up the phone and went out to my dad in the living room and just sobbed harder than I think I ever have. How can I love someone so much that I want to try anything and everything to make it work, yet they love me so much they can't be with me? How can 2.5 years just mean nothing? How come I gave him so many chances to improve - some of which he took, others he didn't - and yet I get none?

Needless to say, I didn't go to work yesterday.

I drove to work to get my computer so I could do some stuff, then started talking to Jenn about the whole thing. She gave me a good perspective on some things - the fact that Jason does have a lot he wants to work on and that it might seem overwhelming to feel like a girlfriend is another thing on his plate (how he may view it) when I'm just wanting to help him. I realized that Jason may not be ready for the kind of relationship I always dreamed about, but at the same time, I don't want a different relationship - I want him!

Jason called later - I had a box in his storage unit that we had forgotten about and he wanted to bring it over. We sat in his truck and talked, mostly me telling him I wish he felt like there was someone he could talk to about all of this. I asked him if he had been feeling this way for a long time or if this just pushed him over the edge and he said it was more just the last straw. That it did push him over the edge and he couldn't see himself going back for another round like he had before. He mentioned that when we fought I went from this wonderful, sweet girl to this monster that just screamed at him and that he couldn't date me wondering when that would happen again. (ouch)

I teased him saying that he would regret this and to make sure he tells me when he does, but that I miss him. It's hard to imagine not having him as my best friend. I even gave suggestions on things to say to Clint to make it easier to talk to him (ask for support, not advice right now). We hugged, laughed about how much easier it is to hug with our weight loss, and he left.

I wasn't sure if I would see him at kickboxing but he was still planning to help me take my parts and car in for the body work estimate this weekend. So it was a week of unknown. I felt like I was in an okay place at that moment, so I started putting pictures and various memoribilia in a box and put the box away. (not out of reach, but not in plain site. I know myself too well)

I struggled more yesterday afternoon - just feeling like there was nothing I could do to make myself feel better, nothing to make the pain go away and nothing to fix the problem. I went to kickboxing not knowing if he would be there - he wasn't, but Jenn and Clint were. In a weird way it was good to have them there cause I still had that feeling of "prove yourself" even though it wasn't to Jason.

Afterwards I just missed him. I broke my own rule and called him. Yet again. This is seriously getting old.

We talked about how everyone we know that breaks up tries to stay friends and they all say "but it's different with us - we can make it work!!" and it never does. But it does feel different with us. We miss hearing each others comments and feedback...but we have to give it more time than this. We'll never get past things if we're still holding on. I asked how talking to Clint went -he said better. I told him that my parents are trying everything in their power to get me to not let Jason help me with my car stuff and that part of me wants to listen to them knowing it's a good word of advice, but the other part of me needs to know that Jason's willing to help. He thanked me for telling him about it, offered another option (just bringing the parts to my parents house for me, that way Clint doesn't have to deal with my parents since the parts are at Clint's house right now), but said that he will plan to help me unless he hears otherwise.

I apologized for calling. Told him it was hard. He understands.

I went to sleep and slept horribly. I called in "late" to work. (why my boss is so understanding I may never know, but I am so grateful)

I'm realizing mornings are the hardest. I just feel like my emotions overwhelm me and that the day seems like too much to bear. I sinned.I text him.

Me: Are you sure about this? You can say no – no would be a really good answer.
Jason: What is this for?
Me: It is all so hard – that has to be worth something. What about anger management? Then I could be your sweet girl again.
Jason: I agree that it’s hard but it’s what needs to happen.
Me: I just want to be with you. This all just feels wrong.
Jason: I know………I’m sorry.
Me: If you know then why can’t we? It isn’t too late and it sure as hell isn’t too little.
Jason: because I have this issue and I know that I couldn’t give all that I could because of this feeling
Me: Can’t we try to work with the feeling and take things slow? I respect that you’re feeling that way but does it have to mean it is all over? The feeling might change if we change other things.
Jason: we can’t do that.
Me: I can’t explain how different I wish it could be. I don’t like the idea of life without you.
Jason: I know – it’s going to be hard and it’s hard for me too.
Me: Then fix it!! ;)
Jason: LOL

The problem with that "conversation" is that he didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, I didn't tell him anything new (other than anger management...don't think I ever suggested that for myself before) and I just proved, once again, that I'm not giving him time and space and not getting OVER it.

Today was hard to not call AND I DIDN'T CALL HIM. (day's not over, but I don't plan on doing it). I need to stop and get a journal for myself. Doesn't help that I have a midterm for accounting due tonight. I'm making notes to myself of the times I want to and ...not calling. I know I have to do that for myself to be able to get through this, but it's definitely easier said than done.

"It's called a breakup because it's broken."