This is one huge roller coaster and today has been a horribly down day.
Thursday night alone was a roller coaster.
I was so glad to see Jason. He brought me a 3 rose bouquet and mentioned he would have brought a bigger one but he didn't think that was appropriate. (why'd he have to say that?) We started the drive and were chit chatting - briefly touching on breakup related things (who we've been talking to, what they say about the whole thing) and then changing the subject.
He took me to Teatro Zin Zanni. He had bought the tickets long before the breakup was on the horizon. He loved me that much that he bought expensive tickets to a dinner where he had no idea what to expect.
We got there (got lost but I was okay with that) and sat down and started to take everything in - there's SO much to take in. It was really hard to know what we could and couldn't do - hand on knee, scratching his back, etc but we made it work. The show was really good and I had been doing really well not thinking about how incredibly badly I wish this whole ordeal was over and we were back together as a couple again.
And then the people next to us got engaged. Seriously. (I feel I should let people hire me for this - the last 4 jobs I've had, people get engaged right after I start. The last 2 nice dinners, the people next to me get engaged.) The mood changed a little after that for both of us.
Then they sang the song "I can't live if living is without you." Luckily Jason had his back turned to better see the performance and didn't see my tears...
I tried to remember how earlier in the week/that day I had told myself "You love him so much you need to overcome your concerns and questions and let him remember what it's like to be around you and not feel pressured to make a decision." I tried to paint on a happy face and i think it worked, but I may not ever know.
Afterwards he kept saying how much fun he had and how glad he was that we had gone to dinner even under the circumstances and how glad he was that he got to see this with me. We went and sat in his truck in the parking lot and exchanged gifts - he was overwhelmed with what I got him (tools) and he totally spoiled me getting me a gift card to get the brown Danskos I want.
We sat there for a minute. "This is hard" we both said. He started to drive away then stopped and asked if we should talk about this. I reminded him that we had said we wouldn't do that on Valentine's night and that it'd probably be best to just take me home.
So he did. The drive home was pleasant and my heart ached even more.
Once we got to my house he came around and opened my door then told me that this was an amazing night and that it was so hard to not say that we should get back together. I told him I agreed and we talked for awhile. From my understanding, the conclusion of the night was that we were both thinking the same thing and he just needed a day or two to sort through a few more things and then we'd be fine.
We had talked about something else (car stuff for me) and he told me to call when I got my tax refund money. It came the next day. So I text him and said he could call whenever was good. He called when he got off work at 3:30 and we talked - light conversation and talked about our plans for the weekend. Neither of us mentioned anything about Sunday so I threw out that if he wanted to talk or hang out to let me know. He seemed surprised I would offer that and said he'd think about it and then we wrapped things up.
I was so confused! What happpened to us being fine? Where was that? After I got off work I kept debating calling him - I wanted to let him make the next move but I felt so confused that I just called him and asked him what was going on - help me understand.
He told me that on his way home from Valentine's Dinner he was thinking about how great things had gone and how much he missed me and how much better that felt. Then he realized we were both on our best behavior and thought of how much he questioned if us wanting to try again would just be too little too late.
(cue broken heart)
I tried to ask questions to understand how he can go from so convincing of his feelings to the complete opposite in less than an hour. I tried to tell him I wanted to help him become happy and achieve his dreams and ...I talked too much.
I kept sobbing. I felt like I was losing everything and I had to fight. I think I screwed up.
All he had done on both Thursday night and Friday afternoon was tell me thoughts - not decisions. Both I took to the extreme. Both I took as "that's all he's thinking." Both times I didn't give him the space or the time he was looking for.
Why do I keep screwing up like this?
Friday night was rough - luckily Asia was able to talk to me / listen to me cry. It made a huge difference.
Saturday morning I woke up and went to kickboxing - I was worn out, had never gone in the morning and that instructor was tough. I started crying.
My dad called and I yelled at him. I started crying again. I talked to my sister and kept crying.
Asia and I were supposed to hang out - we did. I stopped crying.
After I left Asia I didn't know what to do with myself so I called Courtney. She invited me over so we hung out and she continued to talk some sense into me. But no matter what people say or remind me of - bottom line, I still miss Jason more than I ever realized I would and my initial reaction is to fight.
We ended up going to play Bingo. :) I actually talked to Jason's little brother Kevin who said his family missed me but that Jason has seemed to be fine this whole time ("surprisingly" Kevin said). Jason had stayed home while his family went out - I hope he got some time to think. I heard that though and just wanted to be with him and make sure he's okay.
Less than an hour later I ran into Matt and Nicole, Jason's brother and sister in law. Arg.
I went to bed last night feeling okay. Struggling, but overall okay. I wanted Jason to have the time he wanted. I even thought to myself that even though he mentioned on Friday that he wanted to have a decision for me by the end of the weekend to make sure when he called to offer that and talk, ask him if he'd had enough time. That would be ridiculously hard, but I still think that'd be the right thing to do.
I woke up earlier than I expected this morning and had a slap in the face realization that I not only don't know what is going to happen with this whole thing, I don't know when I will see him again, and that there is nothing I can do to help those things. I started bawling.
I called Courtney to try and remember how yesterday had been such an easy day for me - basically cause I was sick of crying and it was nice to be around people - and she gave me some words of encouragement, but it doesn't change the fact that I just want to call him. I just want to talk to him and hold him and know that we'll be fine. I want him to feel happy and know that I have contributed to him feeling that way - I want me to be happy and have him know that he contributed to that too. I am tired of us hurting and want these two people that love each other so much to be able to make it.
I want all these things and feel I can't make them happen. I feel like I'm losing him. My heart is just breaking.