Thursday, February 21, 2008

Not so hot

Yesterday I was doing so well.

I was just in a good state of mind, reminding myself that it's hard to get through, but the only way to get stronger is to push on.

Then he emailed me.

Then he IMed me.

Then he told me that his grandpa (who he is very close to) had a stroke and now has no mobility (this is his 2nd stroke). It surprised me that he was talking to me, but at least it was something legit and important not just chit chat. It was right at the end of the day, so we wrapped things up fast.

I bought a new journal yesterday and also the book It's Called a Break Up Because it's Broken- I started reading it before kickboxing and it's pretty good so far. Good reminder of how crazy some of the things everyone thinks sound to those that aren't in it. Also, it mentioned that whenever someone questions the relationship, it shows that there are probably cracks in the foundation of the relationship and unless their reaction is to get down in there and fix them before moving on (which is rarely the case), typically distance and time just let the cracks grow so reconcilliation becomes that much harder, or unstable. Arg. I hate it when people are right. :(

Earlier I had talked to Jenn about class - she mentioned that she wasn't sure if she was going but that Clint was and she was going to try to. Then once I talked to Jason he mentioned he wasn't. So I was alone. Again. The instructor asked me about them and I told her the truth (figured it would come out eventually and I'd like to be the one to have that convo) and she kept telling me to "take it out on the bag" - I think it's so funny that everyone says that, mostly cause the last thing I want to do is hit anything/anyone. I just want to cry. :(

I pulled myself together and the class was H.A.R.D. but I pushed through thinking "If it's hard, make it worth it being hard" - I can tell how much I'm getting better, but...geez.

After I left class I felt very alone. Usually driving home there's a little bit of a caravan back since Clint and Jenn live close by. There wasn't. I started thinking about how Jason had told me that if anything ever happened to this grandpa it would be really hard on him. I kept thinking about the fact that he told me - made me think that he just felt like he didn't have anyone to talk to, so he talked to me, then regretted doing that. I wanted him to know that I wanted to be here for him, but I just don't know how.

Then I had a war with myself...part of me thinking "He chose this. He chose to not have me to rely on, even though he obviously didn't know this would happen. He needs to respect his decision." but then the other part of me thinking "Since when do I hold things against friends that are obviously needing a friend?" I called Courtney and she reiterated that I don't need to be there for him right now but I wasn't having it. So I called him. (Can I just say that I hate the accountability of this - I hate having to admit that I called.Arg)

He was very glad that I called - said it meant a lot that I could get past the current situation and be there for him and I told him of course I would but that I just am not really sure how to do that. We talked more about the friendship thing...mostly about
  • would we date someone that was still close with their ex even if they were open and honest about it?
  • would we be walking into the fire knowing as of right now we'd be way too jealous to handle the other person dating other people?
  • Why should we lose our friendship that means a lot to us just cause it's hard.

We're not going to be stupid - we know we need space and stuff to be able to deal with the issue at hand, but it's getting more and more obvious that we would have been MUCH better just as friends. We ended things cordially and he mentioned he won't be at class on Friday but that he will be there again Monday, so now I know that and need to figure something out.

I just feel really...alone. I have so many great friends, but especially kickboxing - Jenn and Clint were going for weeks before we went (they only really planned to go M/F, but when Jason joined he said he wanted to go 3x/week so Clint agreed to go with on Wednesdays) but now it's like...everyone's abondoning it but me - the last person to decide to sign up. Just...hard.

I don't want to call him. I don't want to talk to him. It's not really hard today...just lonely. I'm starting to dread the weekend and have to keep telling myself that I'll make it through. So far the plan is Friday - kickbox then ??? movie maybe? Saturday - car stuff, then get my hair did (lowlights and a trim) then homework? Sunday - no idea.

Is it weird that I am hating weekends? I don't think that's weird knowing the reasoning, but I think it's weird to hate the weekends.

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