Monday, January 28, 2008

Looking back

A fellow blogger posted this picture with her post this past weekend and it stopped me in my tracks:

I started thinking about this picture and how for so many years this is exactly how I felt. I remembered posting things to my old blog like
"Dear heart, I met a boy. Prepare to shatter."
But I saw this post and my heart stopped because I remember how that felt. Almost too vividly. I remember crying so hard my stomach would ache for hours because I had so much love in my heart and it felt like no one wanted it. I remember getting my hopes up thinking "this time it's different" just to find out that it wasn't. I remember settling for guys that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt were horrible for me to be around, let alone be in a relationship with yet pretending like I didn't just because I wanted the companionship. That life - that mentality - hurt so much worse than the rejection or the reality I felt when everything came crashing down again and again.
I feel stronger now. Yes, I have Jason, but I have a self-confidence that Jason couldn't give me no matter how hard he tries. I ache knowing people still feel like that and I just don't know what to do. People said encouraging things to me for years that never sunk in, so I don't know what to say to people. It's a weird feeling, especially to know how that was me not that long ago.

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