Friday, April 25, 2008

Stroke of honesty.

These past few days have been really hard on me and it sucks. I don’t think anyone around me would have noticed that it’s been so hard because I’ve been hiding it ridiculously well (even impressing myself!), but I think I need to air some things out. Time for me to face the challenge, I guess.

I’ve been feeling ridiculously lonely and it’s not been for lack of people around me/to talk to. If anything it’s weird to feel this way because I’ve been hanging out with people more, talking to people more, etc and had been feeling generally happier, then *boom!* - lonely. It’s like that quote in the movie Titanic about being in a crowd of people but feeling SO alone. Part of it, I know, is that in the past I’ve always had someone that was my best friend that I spent ALL my time hanging out with/talking to, and right now my 2 best friends are both married (so yes, we can hang out a lot, but it’s not the same) and the other people I’ve been spending significant time with lately I am learning are not the best to get too close to.

And then there’s “Dizz” (my nickname for him). Dizz is a friend that now lives in St. Louis that I used to talk to a lot pre-Jason, then when Jason and I started dating he was a casualty of my confusion (I still have yet to figure out how to maintain friendships with the opposite gender appropriately while in a relationship, and definitely did things wrong back then by just dropping EVERYONE). We started chatting again earlier this month and through that friendship I have been reminded about a lot of things I lost sight of in myself and my friendships through all of this. Right now he’s the best guy friend I could ask for – fun to talk to, same sense of humor, random, no pressure, etc. He’s one of those people where you just sit scratching your head wondering how life deemed you so lucky to get them as a friend. And I get to go visit him next weekend which I am completely excited about. The problem? The distance. I feel like I’m more myself when I’m talking to him lately (vs. anyone else) and I’m not used to only getting to talk to a good friend – I wanna hang out. Maybe I’m just being selfish and ungrateful… Arg. AND I’m nervous that when I *do* get to hang out with him that I’m going to hate leaving. I’m skipping over the excitement and jumping to the frustration. (note to self: stop doing that) .

I stopped working out basically since the weigh-in earlier this month (exactly what I didn’t want to happen) and somehow I haven’t regained any weight. Still at exactly 50. Or my scale is broken. I should have been doing more, but I’m just unmotivated. And it makes me wonder how much more I would have lost if I would have been on top of things. ARG.

School is frustrating. When last quarter was wrapping up, I had a really hard time signing up for this quarter just because I felt like life was overwhelming me. I really didn’t want to, but I signed up anyway thinking I was staying true to myself, doing what I had been determined to do regardless of what life threw my way… blah blah blah. I should have listened to my gut. I’m distracted, struggling and falling behind. And it’s too late to drop now. Yes, taking a quarter off will prolong everything, but I think I needed the mental break. Arg. So now do I take NEXT quarter off? Only one class instead of 2? Wait and see? I don’t even know…

We went to visit my brother last weekend in LA and it was a lot of fun and I didn’t realize until I got back how good it felt to drive around and not wonder if I was going to run into Jason or his friends. And then I got frustrated with myself for still not feeling comfortable about that. (Especially since it’s been a month and I’ve only seen his best friend 1 time, but no one else). I don’t feel like I’m still dealing with anxiety about that, but the fact the thought surfaced (and hasn’t really gone away since) is more irritating than I could possibly communicate. I don’t want Jason back. I don’t hate him. I don’t even really miss him. I think I’m jealous that he’s in the relationship he wants to be in (assumption) and is getting to move on with his life and I feel like as soon as I take 2 steps forward, I hit a wall, and I’m *really* sick of it. I’m bitter. And it’s annoying.

And I keep checking out his myspace. He very rarely logs in so I'm not sure why I'm looking for anything different on his page, but I do. And I look at his girlfriend's page (even though it's private and I can't see anything). It makes no sense. I hate that I do it, but I still do it. I feel like I'm become this person that I don't understand and that this entire experience (that started out as an amazing experience feeling like someone FINALLY felt what I had to offer was useful-so much for that idea) is bringing out the worst in me. It's not fair for me to question my worth because the relationship wasn't right. SO WHY AM I? It's not fair that I gave it my everything and (even though I know now that we're better off not together) I was the one rejected by someone that couldn't even give me their full attention. It's not fair that through all of this I'm becoming someone that I never wanted to be. It's not fair. It's like every time I cry, every time I worry about seeing him/them, every time I look at his page or think about him, I feel like I lose and he wins. And now I'm crying....ARG!!!

*changing topics - see how good I am at not dealing with things? Probably why I'm in this mess*

When I first started my job I supported 2 guys, then they both got promotions and now I only support one. (the other one needed an EA that spoke Japanese and well…I don’t.) Anyway. The other one is getting married over Memorial Day weekend and I have to find a date. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being highest) of how much I am dreading that, I’m at a76. Minimum.

I thought of 4 guys I could take:
Option 1 will probably be out of town for the holiday AND I don’t really feel I know him well enough to ask him yet.
Option 2 is from work and both our bosses will be there and I don’t want to deal with people from work thinking there is anything more than friends.
Option 3 is Dizz (only #3 cause he’d have to fly here) and his sister is graduating that weekend.
Option 4 I haven’t talked to in like a year and will probably be out of town. ARG.

Oh. And I’m supposed to get my review at work this afternoon. I don’t anticipate it being bad (my boss is SO nice…seriously) but I just hate stuff like that.

So that’s my honesty. And I don’t feel any better having written all of that either. Yet. :(

1 comment:

Dizz said...

wow, i really appreciate those things you said about me. i wish too we were closer and could hang out whenever we wanted. like a said find me a good job and a good place to live and I'm there! :)