Mind dumping

You know those days when it feels like the world is moving around you and you’re just watching it pass in a daze? Today’s one of those days for me.

Update on the car: We had thought we had found a great deal on a transmission that meant we would have to drive to Portland to get it. Turns out it was the wrong one (glad I checked motor size before we drove down). Now it’s looking between $1300 (used) or $19-2200 (rebuilt). Obviously, we are trying to keep it the lower end, but safety and quality cost more, so somewhere in the second one is the better option, just not sure we can afford that choice.

Yes, this is a we. Because my warranty expired 8k miles ago and since it was an internal problem not caused by outside circumstances (meaning it could be an insurance claim), I need to pay cash and I can’t do it by myself so Jason is generously helping me out.

He’s also been letting me drive his beloved truck while he rides his motorcycle. Of course after weeks of nothing but sun, the week we make this agreement is the week it starts to rain, making it unsafe for him to ride. So I was taking him to work in Redmond in the morning (at 4am), driving to work in Seattle, sleeping in the car, going to work a little early, getting off a little early, driving to pick him up, then driving to his house in Auburn. All in a truck that gets about 13 miles per gallon. This was not fun.

I sorta had a mental breakdown yesterday. Unfortunately these seem to be happening often lately. It’s just an emotionally bad time of the month, frustrating to have to depend on other people to fix my dumb car (that I don’t even like!), hard for me to let other people help me, hard to be tight on money in general, annoying for Jason to consistently try to help and have me feel like each offer inconveniences him more than the current situation, and it’s feeling like this will never be over. I want my car fixed, I want to be able to stay in my own house, I want Jason to be able to do the things he wants to do and not have to sacrifice his fun for my lack of finances. I think that’s what pushed me over the top yesterday – the big race this weekend is too much for Jason and I to go to like we had planned. Even one day seems like a lot right now. The radio station was giving away tickets and I’d been trying all day to win and didn’t and it hit me that I wouldn’t get to go, and that Jason probably wouldn’t go without me. We'd been looking forward to it for awhile and it just sucks. I did that gut-wrenching sobbing that everyone hates so much cause it physically hurts (on top of the emotional) and doesn't fix anything and now you look terrible.

Almost as soon as I was done crying – I get a call from the gal I house sit for on the Island – she wants to know if I can come up that night. That leaves Jason without his car for the whole next day and me driving back and forth to pick him up to come stay with me. But it’s money – only not sure it’s enough to pay for the gas it will use this weekend to do that. So I go up there (stopping at my parents house and having my dad yell at me there too – nice) and she leaves and I start to get sick. This has happened before when I cry really hard – it literally hurts my stomach to the point I start to throw up. Gross, I know, and unhealthy, but I can't seem to stop it from happening. So I went to bed fairly early and actually slept well.

So today I’m in a daze – a fog – and it feels like the work I’m doing isn’t me – it’s like I’m a 3rd party watching myself do it. That’s a weird feeling. And I just got a call that the housesitting lady isn’t feeling well and is coming home early so I have to go there on my lunch to grab my stuff. That helps, but it’s a bummer to not have that money coming in.

This is way more personal than I usually get on here, but I need to vent. I need to tell myself what I’m feeling by writing it out and I only do that through journaling which somewhere along the way became blogging. We’ll see what happens this weekend. Right now the part to fix my car won’t get here for 2-3 business days from the time we order it and when that happens is up to Jason. (He's trying to find the best option possible, which I REALLY appreciate, but in the meantime, it's taking twice as long as it could have had we just started on it right away.) Once we have the part it’s another 2-3 days to put it in. So there’s at least one more week of this.

I might just lose it. :(